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I know nothing about programming. Nada. Nadadamnthing. Where should I start? Any help will be greatly appreciated and will come back to you as good karma :)

Computer Science
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first of all I think you have to choose what programming language you want to learn , that is depending on the reason for learning programming (developing applications,web design , game programming ...)
Khan Academy just started cs videos
Hold on let me get you a link

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I would love to learn game programming, but I feel I need to start with the basics. People tell me to start with Python and C++, but I check those tutorials out and it seems so cryptic to me because I don't know the basics. Are there any "pre" courses I need to master before diving into programming?
The videos found at that link are very very basic, they are also in python :)
People say to start with python because it has a very simple rules for how the code is to be written
mmmm , thats right you must learn an easy language first and C++ , Python is very good for you . but you must find an Theoretical introduction before writing codes
But like you said, it is better to not worry about the programming language to start with, you need to get the basics first, that link should be very helpful. in addition, youtube and google are your best friend.
I would recommend Stanford University's Open Courseware beginners course "Programming Methodology, CS106A" and click on the courses button.
I'd recommend at starting with a lower level language like C. Jumping right into C++ might be easier to catch on, but you'll be missing out on some of the fundamentals of programming. I also feel object oriented languages might not be the best to start out with.
try out and moreover MIT opencourseware will also help you.
Thank you all for your responses! I will check out the links. Cheers!
MIT and Harvard have some excellent resources. is a great course that teaches intro to computer science. Feel free to check it out. He video archives every lecture.
First you should learn about Logics and Algorithms - so you can figure out how to think like a programmer. Some general info about computers and hardware is also pretty handy - you gotta know what's the machine before working with it. After knowing the basics, then you should read a bit about the many languages out there. I started with C# but hey, I'm crazy. :p Maybe... Python? It's your call. Then, after selecting what you want to learn, get a compiler, check the links above - if you have an iPod Touch, an iPhone and/or an iPad, you might wanna check iTunes U -... and practice! By the way, I'm looking for a Programming study group, let me know if you want to study together.

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