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Kasi Group Title

Once upon a time there lived a ghost boy his name was Spike. Spike was 15 years old and he loved nature. Despite his rough sounding name, he was actually a friendly ghost. He once lived at mansion but he died a wrongful death. He was outside playing at night when he saw a luna moth and a person was tresspassing while hunting. There was a deer nearby and the boy was accidentally shot.

  • 2 years ago
  • 2 years ago

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  1. Kasi Group Title
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    The bullet went straight through him and hit the deer. Even though it was an accident, it was not the boy's time, so he remains trapped as a ghost. When the boy noticed he was a ghost, he remembered what happen to his mother. His mother died in a car acciedent. When he goes by to where he lived he would always go to where he saw the luna moth because he thought it was beautiful. One day he went back to his old house and saw a girl by the tree. The girl turned and screamed when she saw him. Spike told the girl not to be scared and that he was friendly. So the girl walked over to him and asked who he was. Spike told her his name, how he died, and at what age he died. Then the girl told him that her name was Rosey and she was 15. When she was done talking they both turned to the tree and saw a luna moth land on the tree right where Spike last saw the luna moth. Spike told her that was the same moth that was there when he died. He was trying to figure out why that luna moth was there again. It could have been a coincidence, but something made Spike feel like there was meaning to the moth being there again. When Spike thought about it he remebered that his mother loved luna moths and thought that it my be her spirit animal. He put his hand out to the moth and it fluttered off the tree and tried to land on his hand, but since he was a ghost, it just fluttered right through his hand. The girl told him that he needs to control his ghost power and he would be able to have the moth in his hand.

    • 2 years ago
  2. Kasi Group Title
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    The next day Spike was still there circling the moth. Then he concentrated and his hand became solid. He touched the tree and could feel the bark beneath his fingers. It seemed like forever since he had felt anything at all and he pause for a moment enjoying the textural sensation of the bark beneath his fingers. Then he moved his hand closer to the moth and it fluttered into his hand and it didn't go through it. The moth sat upon his finger slowly opening and closing its wings. He felt as if the moth was looking at him; as if it wanted him to do something. Then memories flashed in his mind. It almost seemed like thoughts from his mother. He saw a wall in his house and behind it was a sercret passage. He put his hand to the tree and the moth climbed onto the bark. He quickly went to the house; to the exact spot where he saw the secret passage but saw no way to open it. Then he remembered he was a ghost and could pass through solid objects if he wanted, including walls. So he went through the wall and into the sercret passage. The passage was narrow, but after a few feet it opened up into a large room. The room was spacely furnished and there was a picture of his mother on the wall. It was a painted portrait that he did not recall ever seeing.

    • 2 years ago
  3. Kasi Group Title
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    put comments and anything i should add to it

    • 2 years ago
  4. Cryptic57 Group Title
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    Glad you went with the name, thanks. Watch your spelling, it's generally good but there are a few typos. Some parts of the structure clash as you jump from past to present, maybe shorten some paragraphs and/or sentences to single lines. Try and build up some rhythm and give it some poetic romance. Hopefully you can attract Redwood Girl's attention as she has greater knowledge and knows how to pass it on, listen to her!

    • 2 years ago
  5. Kasi Group Title
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    huh who is redwood girl

    • 2 years ago
  6. Cryptic57 Group Title
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    Someone here who has taught writing I believe and is good with the help.If I find her I'll send her along.

    • 2 years ago
  7. Lexis Group Title
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    i like the general concept and idea of your piece. like Cryptic said, watch out for typos and just make sure you connect your ideas in a way that flows. the more fluid it is, the better the reader can connect.

    • 2 years ago
  8. Peeps Group Title
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    I added a few commas, and fixed your spelling. You should work on your transition from one idea to another. I think you need to separate it into a few more paragraphs. Good luck... Once upon a time, there lived a ghost boy. His name was Spike. Spike was 15 years old and he loved nature. Despite his rough sounding name, he was actually a friendly ghost. He once lived in a mansion but he died a wrongful death. He was outside playing at night when he saw a Luna moth and a person was trespassing while hunting. There was a deer nearby and the boy was accidentally shot. The bullet went straight through him and hit a deer. Even though it was an accident, it was not the boy's time, so he remains trapped as a ghost. When the boy noticed he was a ghost, he remembered what happen to his mother. His mother died in a car accident. When he goes by to where he lived he would always go to where he saw the Luna moth because he thought it was beautiful. One day he went back to his old house and saw a girl by the tree. The girl turned and screamed when she saw him. Spike told the girl not to be scared and that he was friendly. Therefore, the girl walked over to him and asked who he was. Spike told her his name, how he died, and at what age he died. Then the girl told him that her name was Rosy and she was 15. When she was done talking, they both turned to the tree and saw a Luna moth land on the tree right where Spike last saw the Luna moth. Spike told her that it was the same moth that was there when he died. He was trying to figure out why that Luna moth was there again. It could have been a coincidence, but something made Spike feel like there was meaning to the moth being there again. When Spike thought about it, he remembered that his mother loved Luna moths and thought that it may be her spirit animal. He put his hand out to the moth and it fluttered off the tree and tried to land on his hand, but since he was a ghost, it just fluttered right through his hand. The girl told him that he needs to control his ghost power and he would be able to have the moth in his hand. The next day Spike was still there circling the moth. Then he concentrated and his hand became solid. He touched the tree and could feel the bark beneath his fingers. It seemed like forever since he had felt anything at all and he paused for a moment, enjoying the textural sensation of the bark beneath his fingers. Then he moved his hand closer to the moth, and it fluttered into his hand and did not go through it. The moth sat upon his finger slowly opening and closing its wings. He felt as if the moth was looking at him as if it wanted him to do something. Then memories flashed in his mind. It almost seemed like thoughts from his mother. He saw a wall in his house and behind it was a secret passage. He put his hand to the tree and the moth climbed onto the bark. He quickly went to the house, to the exact spot where he saw the secret passage but saw no way to open it. Then he remembered he was a ghost and could pass through solid objects if he wanted, including walls. Therefore, he went through the wall and into the secret passage. The passage was narrow, but after a few feet, it opened up into a large room. The room was sparely furnished and there was a picture of his mother on the wall. It was a painted portrait that he did not recall ever seeing.

    • 2 years ago
  9. MosbysRaider Group Title
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    ... very good peeps ...

    • 2 years ago
  10. Kasi Group Title
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    thanks for the help

    • 2 years ago
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