LifeIsADangerousGame
  • LifeIsADangerousGame
Hey @Redwood_Girl Here's my conclusion paragraph. I'm also wondering if it's a little irrelevant to my main research paper (which is about how mosquito are attracted to certain people and I'm thinking it is really irrelevant so I need to know (if you agree) how to remake it :P )
Writing
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schrodinger
  • schrodinger
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LifeIsADangerousGame
  • LifeIsADangerousGame
It probably seems like every female mosquito’s goal is to make more blood-sucking monsters to make your life miserable, doesn’t it? That’s one way to put it. The next time you are assaulted by mosquitos, their wings buzzing at 500 beats per second in your ear, remember what a difficult path they had to take to reach you (7). They have had to survive against long odds to seek out one refreshing drink (you can spare a drop of blood) to continue a cycle first started as early as 205 million years ago (9). True, mosquitos seem to be an ever-present annoyance, but think about it. If you had survived the many predators waiting to make a meal of you throughout your entire life and then, just as you were arriving at the meal you needed to continue your lineage, your life was carelessly ended by a single flick of a human finger.
anonymous
  • anonymous
Oh, that's right, I remember this one. Is the essay itself more or less the same as it was before? Well, it goes a bit off topic and what I found a little off is the fact that at the very end, the essay suddenly seems to sympathize with the mosquitos, which it hadn't done (if I recall correctly) to that point.
LifeIsADangerousGame
  • LifeIsADangerousGame
It's more or less the same as it was before. And you're correct, which is why I want to redo it, but I'm not sure how. I'm not really good at ending essays no matter how much I want to :P

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anonymous
  • anonymous
Ah, pronoun reference problem: "it" at the beginning of the second paragraph being the paragraph. not the essay.
anonymous
  • anonymous
You really cover a lot of territory in that essay. That may be making it more difficult to conclude as well. Can you post the essay again?
LifeIsADangerousGame
  • LifeIsADangerousGame
anonymous
  • anonymous
Okay, so your paper is not about how or why mosquitos are attracted to certain people -- that's only one detail in all the rest. Most of it is about the lifecycle of the mosquito, isn;t it? You explain why they need blood -- for their eggs. You talk about where the female lays her eggs. You talk about how the eggs can delay development, and then you cover the various stages of that development. You talk about how mosquitos can bite us without us even feeling it. You talk about their predators, and then you talk about what it is that attracts mosquitos to some and not others. From there, you move to some ways to keep mosquitos off of us. I dunno, except for the odd change of sympathy, that final paragraph does fit the rest of it, doesn't it? The opening sentence links back to the opening paragraph, and then the third and fourth sentences make reference back to the difficult path mosquitos had to take and the long odds they had to survive -- which you've covered -- in order to take that little chomp. I think where the problem lies is in this sentence: "True, mosquitos seem to be an ever-present annoyance . . ." because the attitude towards the mosquitos seems to shift so from the attitude, or seeming attitude, in the rest of the paper.
anonymous
  • anonymous
And that last sentence is, in many ways, quite nice. Can you retain that rhythm and those details, but somehow align the point of view -- the attitude -- with the rest of the paper? You use such inflammatory language against the little buggers earlier! You either have to alter the new tone in the concluding paragraph, or come up with some sort of transitional piece that bridges the gap. Know what I mean?
anonymous
  • anonymous
How about: "Think of it from the mosquito's perspective." And you could work that in something like this -- So, ouch, there comes that bite again. As you reach up to slap that man-eating mosquito away, think of it from the mosquito's perspective. If you had survived the many predators waiting to make a meal of you throughout your entire life and then, just as you were arriving at the meal you needed to continue your lineage, your life was carelessly ended by a single flick of a human finger, how would you feel? Because, too, that last sentence was not quite a sentence yet. Adding that question in makes it a sentence, and helps also to account for the change of tone.
anonymous
  • anonymous
With something like that, I think you have your bridge. WDYT?
LifeIsADangerousGame
  • LifeIsADangerousGame
Hmm! I think so! I like it :D I actually never noticed that it was just that "sympathy" piece that messed up the whole para :P
anonymous
  • anonymous
That's the advantage of having someone else look at your work. We're all like that: we get too close to it to see.
anonymous
  • anonymous
But you were picking up on the fact that something was off, which is good. And your writing is improving, which is also good.
LifeIsADangerousGame
  • LifeIsADangerousGame
Thanks! I'll brb in like 10-30 I have to go do something but I'll be back :)
anonymous
  • anonymous
I think we're good. I have to take off as well shortly -- exercise class. Something I keep putting off! Ping me later if you need anything else. Ciao . . .
LifeIsADangerousGame
  • LifeIsADangerousGame
Thanks for your help! :) I will!
LifeIsADangerousGame
  • LifeIsADangerousGame
@Redwood_Girl Should I end the paragraph after "how would you feel?" or do I need to add something else?
anonymous
  • anonymous
Well, that's going to be your call. Do you feel like it needs something else? When you read the entire paper through and then end on that line, do you like it? I think it sounds pretty good just like that. I was going for a short piece (to complement the lengthy and dramatic buildup in the sentence to this point) and for something also that helped establish that "turn of sentiment" in the paragraph as something deliberate and cohesive. But it was the work of just a moment. And it may be that the change of perspective is still too abrupt? Try adding something and see what you come up with.
LifeIsADangerousGame
  • LifeIsADangerousGame
Mmk, I do think it sounds nice, but I'll re-read the whole thing
LifeIsADangerousGame
  • LifeIsADangerousGame
I think it sounds good ending it like there. I only changed it by italicizing the "you" in "How would you feel?" I think I'll send it in tomorrow :D
anonymous
  • anonymous
Nice touch! Let me know how it goes . . .
LifeIsADangerousGame
  • LifeIsADangerousGame
Thanks!

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