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What is the assignment? There is no title on this essay. Is it simply a response to a panel discussion? A recapitulation of the issues?
the term "blackness" is not a very good choice of wording. That is what i mean by being politically incorrect. People are not defined by their "blackness"; that would entail people being rated on a scale according to the degree of intensity of color of their skin.
Well, my take on this is that if that's the term the speaker used, then use it, but make it clear that this is a term the speaker used. I think that's the least of your issues in this essay, which is far from clearly written. You might start by incorporating the fixes that wombat has marked up for you, but I think if you sit down and read this *out loud* to yourself, you will see that it does not hold together very well. It seems to skate over the surface of things, throwing out some vague generalizations and then weaving in some quotations, without every really getting to the heart of anything. I am not sure that you understood the issues being discussed in this panel. If you did, that understanding is not coming through in this essay. Then you've got some mighty odd constructions. "In people viewing blackness being an atmosphere in basketball" -- what does that mean? I do not think you would actually say that to someone. You should start out by just trying to be as honest as possible on the page. Strive to be clear, and to clearly express your thoughts. When you are not sure what those thoughts are (as may be the case here, since you are attempting to encapsulate the main points of what I imagine was a complex discussion), and then when on top of that, you are writing sentences that you would not actually say in conversation with someone, the result is very obscure. And remember that writing *is* rewriting. No one ever sits down and just writes from start to finish. It's like sculpture: you have to work with it.
Redwood_Girl is making some very good points. When writing, it is important that ideas flow in a logical fashion so the reader knows where the argument or flow is going. It really should be up to you on how to word it. I would take Redwood_Girl's suggestion and try proofreading by reading aloud. You will undoubtedly notice some things to improve by reading it out loud. :)