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ShotGunGirl

  • 2 years ago

I need crits and suggestions<3 There is no home to return to. The last light fades away. All is lost, the Black sun rises, As Darkness shrouds your way. All good in the world has perished, New eras, no longer ours. The days of man have ended, Replaced with lifeless hours. Moments of death sear all memories Pain is no foreign concept And death lurks in every shadow The smoke of burning and pure hate chokes the trees Losses of nature that signal destruction" Without you Frodo Baggins, this will be our new home. It is a reference to Lord of the Rings, but I only really need the part in quote looked over. I'd like to thank roycekimmons for all of his help. And everyone else<3

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  1. ShotGunGirl
    • 2 years ago
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    If you do like Lord of the Rings let me know! I will tell you where the idea came from.

  2. Wolfboy
    • 2 years ago
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    It needs better flow

  3. ShotGunGirl
    • 2 years ago
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    Any suggestions?

  4. ParthKohli
    • 2 years ago
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    And death is lurks?

  5. ParthKohli
    • 2 years ago
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    IS?

  6. ShotGunGirl
    • 2 years ago
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    Thanks Parth<3

  7. mud116
    • 2 years ago
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    ya some grammatical errors but besides that awesome job.

  8. ParthKohli
    • 2 years ago
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    Everything else...I love it

  9. Wolfboy
    • 2 years ago
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    Uh maybe you could write instead of All that is good in this world will perish you could write- All good shall perish

  10. ShotGunGirl
    • 2 years ago
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    I like that! Thank you.

  11. Wolfboy
    • 2 years ago
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    I think it might help flow because it was really long the other way

  12. ShotGunGirl
    • 2 years ago
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    I have to put in the world because that is a line in the movie but I like shall<3

  13. Wolfboy
    • 2 years ago
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    ok

  14. rebeccaskell94
    • 2 years ago
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    Sere should be sear and overtake is one word. But, other than that it's really good! Keep it up! :d

  15. ShotGunGirl
    • 2 years ago
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    <isdumb> Thank you!

  16. roycekimmons
    • 2 years ago
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    If you're really interested in the poetry of The Lord of the Rings, then you should learn about metre and rhythm. Much poetry today is free-form (i.e. often ignores metre), but Tolkien was highly rhythmic in his work. In my opinion, that is where your poem could be improved. Currently, you're only thinking about the words, not the music behind the words. The magic of The Lord of the Rings goes deeper than the hobbits, elves, orcs, rings, and darkness/light to some music deep within. Check this out: http://www.cep.unt.edu/songs/tolkien.html When you read any of these poems, you're actually singing, not just reciting. You should focus on making your readers sing. My $.02.

  17. ShotGunGirl
    • 2 years ago
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    Wow royce thank you so much<3

  18. rebeccaskell94
    • 2 years ago
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    Your $.2 should've been more like a $1.50 ;D

  19. roycekimmons
    • 2 years ago
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    ;) No problem.

  20. ShotGunGirl
    • 2 years ago
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    More like your million dollars<3 It means alot<3 Thank you.

  21. roycekimmons
    • 2 years ago
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    Here's a quick attempt at reorganizing your first nine lines into two four-line verses: There is no home to return to. The last light fades away. All is lost, the Black sun rises, As Darkness shrouds your way. All good in the world has perished, New eras, no longer ours. The days of man have ended, Replaced with lifeless hours. I don't think it's the best (on my part), but it gives you an idea at least of what I'm talking about. The same rhythmic pattern can then be mimicked throughout to make it more like a song.

  22. ShotGunGirl
    • 2 years ago
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    You don't mind if I take that/ I'm have a few things I might change but I don't want to take credit for you work.

  23. ShotGunGirl
    • 2 years ago
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    I really like your few on Lord of th Rings. That site yuou linked is great. You wouldn't mind my asking if you've both read and seen Lord of the Rings would you?

  24. roycekimmons
    • 2 years ago
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    Do whatever you want with those verses. They're your words; I just tweaked a couple here and there to give you some ideas (like everyone else in the thread). Yes, I've read the books and seen the movies.

  25. afranklin12
    • 2 years ago
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    hey lord of the rings is a good i love that movie. i own all of them

  26. ShotGunGirl
    • 2 years ago
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    Same, I absolutely love them<3

  27. afranklin12
    • 2 years ago
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    i right ur cute

  28. ShotGunGirl
    • 2 years ago
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    Thank you<3

  29. ShotGunGirl
    • 2 years ago
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    (i'm working on the last parts)

  30. LifeIsADangerousGame
    • 2 years ago
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    It's nice I think, but like Wolfboy said, it doesn't flow very well. I think it might be because you're using real sentences and no poetry sentences example: There is no home to return to. could be: No home to return to get it?

  31. lam22
    • 2 years ago
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    I think its good! :) Great work!

  32. ShotGunGirl
    • 2 years ago
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    Thank you<3

  33. lam22
    • 2 years ago
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    No problemo :)

  34. ShotGunGirl
    • 2 years ago
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    It means a lot<3

  35. lam22
    • 2 years ago
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    No worries ! I love being a criticizer of peoples works and yours in my opinion is great :)

  36. ShotGunGirl
    • 2 years ago
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    Really? Wow, i'm working on the second part and a huge thatnks goes to royce for help. But thank you.

  37. ShotGunGirl
    • 2 years ago
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    @mud116 loves Frodo Baggins

  38. ShotGunGirl
    • 2 years ago
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    Bye guys<3

  39. ShotGunGirl
    • 2 years ago
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    I did enjoy OS thank you for all the nice things and all the fans<3

  40. ShotGunGirl
    • 2 years ago
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    http://openstudy.com/study?login#/updates/4fd634ede4b04bec7f17456b There is a new one, I had to reopen it because I thought I was leaving OS yesterday.

  41. afranklin12
    • 2 years ago
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    u what? why would u leave us

  42. ShotGunGirl
    • 2 years ago
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    I'm not leaving anymore.

  43. afranklin12
    • 2 years ago
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    k sorry

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