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ShotGunGirl

I need crits and suggestions<3 There is no home to return to. The last light fades away. All is lost, the Black sun rises, As Darkness shrouds your way. All good in the world has perished, New eras, no longer ours. The days of man have ended, Replaced with lifeless hours. Moments of death sear all memories Pain is no foreign concept And death lurks in every shadow The smoke of burning and pure hate chokes the trees Losses of nature that signal destruction" Without you Frodo Baggins, this will be our new home. It is a reference to Lord of the Rings, but I only really need the part in quote looked over. I'd like to thank roycekimmons for all of his help. And everyone else<3

  • one year ago
  • one year ago

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  1. ShotGunGirl
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    If you do like Lord of the Rings let me know! I will tell you where the idea came from.

    • one year ago
  2. Wolfboy
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    It needs better flow

    • one year ago
  3. ShotGunGirl
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    Any suggestions?

    • one year ago
  4. ParthKohli
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    And death is lurks?

    • one year ago
  5. ParthKohli
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    IS?

    • one year ago
  6. ShotGunGirl
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    Thanks Parth<3

    • one year ago
  7. mud116
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    ya some grammatical errors but besides that awesome job.

    • one year ago
  8. ParthKohli
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    Everything else...I love it

    • one year ago
  9. Wolfboy
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    Uh maybe you could write instead of All that is good in this world will perish you could write- All good shall perish

    • one year ago
  10. ShotGunGirl
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    I like that! Thank you.

    • one year ago
  11. Wolfboy
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    I think it might help flow because it was really long the other way

    • one year ago
  12. ShotGunGirl
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    I have to put in the world because that is a line in the movie but I like shall<3

    • one year ago
  13. Wolfboy
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    ok

    • one year ago
  14. rebeccaskell94
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    Sere should be sear and overtake is one word. But, other than that it's really good! Keep it up! :d

    • one year ago
  15. ShotGunGirl
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    <isdumb> Thank you!

    • one year ago
  16. roycekimmons
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    If you're really interested in the poetry of The Lord of the Rings, then you should learn about metre and rhythm. Much poetry today is free-form (i.e. often ignores metre), but Tolkien was highly rhythmic in his work. In my opinion, that is where your poem could be improved. Currently, you're only thinking about the words, not the music behind the words. The magic of The Lord of the Rings goes deeper than the hobbits, elves, orcs, rings, and darkness/light to some music deep within. Check this out: http://www.cep.unt.edu/songs/tolkien.html When you read any of these poems, you're actually singing, not just reciting. You should focus on making your readers sing. My $.02.

    • one year ago
  17. ShotGunGirl
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    Wow royce thank you so much<3

    • one year ago
  18. rebeccaskell94
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    Your $.2 should've been more like a $1.50 ;D

    • one year ago
  19. roycekimmons
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    ;) No problem.

    • one year ago
  20. ShotGunGirl
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    More like your million dollars<3 It means alot<3 Thank you.

    • one year ago
  21. roycekimmons
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    Here's a quick attempt at reorganizing your first nine lines into two four-line verses: There is no home to return to. The last light fades away. All is lost, the Black sun rises, As Darkness shrouds your way. All good in the world has perished, New eras, no longer ours. The days of man have ended, Replaced with lifeless hours. I don't think it's the best (on my part), but it gives you an idea at least of what I'm talking about. The same rhythmic pattern can then be mimicked throughout to make it more like a song.

    • one year ago
  22. ShotGunGirl
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    You don't mind if I take that/ I'm have a few things I might change but I don't want to take credit for you work.

    • one year ago
  23. ShotGunGirl
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    I really like your few on Lord of th Rings. That site yuou linked is great. You wouldn't mind my asking if you've both read and seen Lord of the Rings would you?

    • one year ago
  24. roycekimmons
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    Do whatever you want with those verses. They're your words; I just tweaked a couple here and there to give you some ideas (like everyone else in the thread). Yes, I've read the books and seen the movies.

    • one year ago
  25. afranklin12
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    hey lord of the rings is a good i love that movie. i own all of them

    • one year ago
  26. ShotGunGirl
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    Same, I absolutely love them<3

    • one year ago
  27. afranklin12
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    i right ur cute

    • one year ago
  28. ShotGunGirl
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    Thank you<3

    • one year ago
  29. ShotGunGirl
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    (i'm working on the last parts)

    • one year ago
  30. LifeIsADangerousGame
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    It's nice I think, but like Wolfboy said, it doesn't flow very well. I think it might be because you're using real sentences and no poetry sentences example: There is no home to return to. could be: No home to return to get it?

    • one year ago
  31. lam22
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    I think its good! :) Great work!

    • one year ago
  32. ShotGunGirl
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    Thank you<3

    • one year ago
  33. lam22
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    No problemo :)

    • one year ago
  34. ShotGunGirl
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    It means a lot<3

    • one year ago
  35. lam22
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    No worries ! I love being a criticizer of peoples works and yours in my opinion is great :)

    • one year ago
  36. ShotGunGirl
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    Really? Wow, i'm working on the second part and a huge thatnks goes to royce for help. But thank you.

    • one year ago
  37. ShotGunGirl
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    @mud116 loves Frodo Baggins

    • one year ago
  38. ShotGunGirl
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    Bye guys<3

    • one year ago
  39. ShotGunGirl
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    I did enjoy OS thank you for all the nice things and all the fans<3

    • one year ago
  40. ShotGunGirl
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    http://openstudy.com/study?login#/updates/4fd634ede4b04bec7f17456b There is a new one, I had to reopen it because I thought I was leaving OS yesterday.

    • one year ago
  41. afranklin12
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    u what? why would u leave us

    • one year ago
  42. ShotGunGirl
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    I'm not leaving anymore.

    • one year ago
  43. afranklin12
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    k sorry

    • one year ago
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