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ShotGunGirl Group Title

I need crits and suggestions<3 There is no home to return to. The last light fades away. All is lost, the Black sun rises, As Darkness shrouds your way. All good in the world has perished, New eras, no longer ours. The days of man have ended, Replaced with lifeless hours. Moments of death sear all memories Pain is no foreign concept And death lurks in every shadow The smoke of burning and pure hate chokes the trees Losses of nature that signal destruction" Without you Frodo Baggins, this will be our new home. It is a reference to Lord of the Rings, but I only really need the part in quote looked over. I'd like to thank roycekimmons for all of his help. And everyone else<3

  • 2 years ago
  • 2 years ago

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  1. ShotGunGirl Group Title
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    If you do like Lord of the Rings let me know! I will tell you where the idea came from.

    • 2 years ago
  2. Wolfboy Group Title
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    It needs better flow

    • 2 years ago
  3. ShotGunGirl Group Title
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    Any suggestions?

    • 2 years ago
  4. ParthKohli Group Title
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    And death is lurks?

    • 2 years ago
  5. ParthKohli Group Title
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    IS?

    • 2 years ago
  6. ShotGunGirl Group Title
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    Thanks Parth<3

    • 2 years ago
  7. mud116 Group Title
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    ya some grammatical errors but besides that awesome job.

    • 2 years ago
  8. ParthKohli Group Title
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    Everything else...I love it

    • 2 years ago
  9. Wolfboy Group Title
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    Uh maybe you could write instead of All that is good in this world will perish you could write- All good shall perish

    • 2 years ago
  10. ShotGunGirl Group Title
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    I like that! Thank you.

    • 2 years ago
  11. Wolfboy Group Title
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    I think it might help flow because it was really long the other way

    • 2 years ago
  12. ShotGunGirl Group Title
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    I have to put in the world because that is a line in the movie but I like shall<3

    • 2 years ago
  13. Wolfboy Group Title
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    ok

    • 2 years ago
  14. rebeccaskell94 Group Title
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    Sere should be sear and overtake is one word. But, other than that it's really good! Keep it up! :d

    • 2 years ago
  15. ShotGunGirl Group Title
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    <isdumb> Thank you!

    • 2 years ago
  16. roycekimmons Group Title
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    If you're really interested in the poetry of The Lord of the Rings, then you should learn about metre and rhythm. Much poetry today is free-form (i.e. often ignores metre), but Tolkien was highly rhythmic in his work. In my opinion, that is where your poem could be improved. Currently, you're only thinking about the words, not the music behind the words. The magic of The Lord of the Rings goes deeper than the hobbits, elves, orcs, rings, and darkness/light to some music deep within. Check this out: http://www.cep.unt.edu/songs/tolkien.html When you read any of these poems, you're actually singing, not just reciting. You should focus on making your readers sing. My $.02.

    • 2 years ago
  17. ShotGunGirl Group Title
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    Wow royce thank you so much<3

    • 2 years ago
  18. rebeccaskell94 Group Title
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    Your $.2 should've been more like a $1.50 ;D

    • 2 years ago
  19. roycekimmons Group Title
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    ;) No problem.

    • 2 years ago
  20. ShotGunGirl Group Title
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    More like your million dollars<3 It means alot<3 Thank you.

    • 2 years ago
  21. roycekimmons Group Title
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    Here's a quick attempt at reorganizing your first nine lines into two four-line verses: There is no home to return to. The last light fades away. All is lost, the Black sun rises, As Darkness shrouds your way. All good in the world has perished, New eras, no longer ours. The days of man have ended, Replaced with lifeless hours. I don't think it's the best (on my part), but it gives you an idea at least of what I'm talking about. The same rhythmic pattern can then be mimicked throughout to make it more like a song.

    • 2 years ago
  22. ShotGunGirl Group Title
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    You don't mind if I take that/ I'm have a few things I might change but I don't want to take credit for you work.

    • 2 years ago
  23. ShotGunGirl Group Title
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    I really like your few on Lord of th Rings. That site yuou linked is great. You wouldn't mind my asking if you've both read and seen Lord of the Rings would you?

    • 2 years ago
  24. roycekimmons Group Title
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    Do whatever you want with those verses. They're your words; I just tweaked a couple here and there to give you some ideas (like everyone else in the thread). Yes, I've read the books and seen the movies.

    • 2 years ago
  25. afranklin12 Group Title
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    hey lord of the rings is a good i love that movie. i own all of them

    • 2 years ago
  26. ShotGunGirl Group Title
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    Same, I absolutely love them<3

    • 2 years ago
  27. afranklin12 Group Title
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    i right ur cute

    • 2 years ago
  28. ShotGunGirl Group Title
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    Thank you<3

    • 2 years ago
  29. ShotGunGirl Group Title
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    (i'm working on the last parts)

    • 2 years ago
  30. LifeIsADangerousGame Group Title
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    It's nice I think, but like Wolfboy said, it doesn't flow very well. I think it might be because you're using real sentences and no poetry sentences example: There is no home to return to. could be: No home to return to get it?

    • 2 years ago
  31. lam22 Group Title
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    I think its good! :) Great work!

    • 2 years ago
  32. ShotGunGirl Group Title
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    Thank you<3

    • 2 years ago
  33. lam22 Group Title
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    No problemo :)

    • 2 years ago
  34. ShotGunGirl Group Title
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    It means a lot<3

    • 2 years ago
  35. lam22 Group Title
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    No worries ! I love being a criticizer of peoples works and yours in my opinion is great :)

    • 2 years ago
  36. ShotGunGirl Group Title
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    Really? Wow, i'm working on the second part and a huge thatnks goes to royce for help. But thank you.

    • 2 years ago
  37. ShotGunGirl Group Title
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    @mud116 loves Frodo Baggins

    • 2 years ago
  38. ShotGunGirl Group Title
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    Bye guys<3

    • 2 years ago
  39. ShotGunGirl Group Title
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    I did enjoy OS thank you for all the nice things and all the fans<3

    • 2 years ago
  40. ShotGunGirl Group Title
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    http://openstudy.com/study?login#/updates/4fd634ede4b04bec7f17456b There is a new one, I had to reopen it because I thought I was leaving OS yesterday.

    • 2 years ago
  41. afranklin12 Group Title
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    u what? why would u leave us

    • 2 years ago
  42. ShotGunGirl Group Title
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    I'm not leaving anymore.

    • 2 years ago
  43. afranklin12 Group Title
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    k sorry

    • 2 years ago
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