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sasogeek Group Title

I just finished writing my college application essay and I want some proof reads, you guys read it and tell me what you think :) thanks x

  • 2 years ago
  • 2 years ago

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  1. sasogeek Group Title
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    My personality is best described by the word “introvert”. In the past couple of years I've spent most of my time inside my bedroom learning about computers, playing games and the one thing that stands out of all my activities inside my room, chatting online, a lot. As much as it is healthy to go out and enjoy the weather since it's mostly warm all-year-round and hanging out with friends and just feeling alive, so to speak, I have found that staying in my room has actually helped me more than anything I would have done if I was the outgoing type. In fact, I have become exposed to way more things than I would have if I was an extrovert, just because I was an introvert, and here's why. The internet was my escape route, and I have found that the internet is the most open, and the most diverse place anyone could ever be, and there I was. Maybe though that should not be too surprising as almost everyone now uses the internet hence why it's so big and open but the reason why it matters with respect to me is because I have probably spent more time on it than any other activity in my entire life. I once spent 27 hours on the internet, and the only breaks I took was when I had to eat, it was that bad, but not bad enough that in one of these encounters I had with the internet, I found a learning website called Openstudy with the url openstudy.com, and this website I can say has changed my life and my perspective on life itself. I found it while reading on one of MIT's opencourseware sites because it was linked there and I met a fellow there who goes by the name owlfred. He invited me over to openstudy so I decided to check it out. It turned out to be this huge studying community of students from all over the world who ask questions and have discussions in real time in different threads of different subjects. I need not mention this but as obvious as it is, that was one huge diverse community, talk about students from all over the world! As I spend a lot of time on new things I find on the internet just to know how they work, I must say though that openstudy is the community I consider a family now since I've spent a lot of time there talking geeky, making a lot of friends, helping people and though there are more than a hundred thousand users, I can say I know most of them personally. Openstudy was a place I also considered to be more like an open high school and college combined seeing as the users ranged from 7th graders all the way to PhD students. I have invested a lot of time in the users such that I spent hours, sometimes 2 or 3, on a simple algebra question because I value the importance and need for understanding. Though helping the students that use the site became a priority, I also felt a need to make sure the website itself was a conducive enough place for everyone to feel welcome having been exposed to people on the web, I knew how mean and weird an open community could get. That made me use the feedback section a lot and often times had arguments with the moderators and developers on the state of the website. All my efforts did not go unseen by the users and this made them embrace me more like a brother because they realised my concern for them as users too. Though I am an introvert, I am very outspoken and like to express myself a lot as well as be extremely nice which I find to be a good thing because you never know where you will find yourself someday. This which was noticed by the administrators of such a huge website, made them make me become an ambassador for the website along with other users to specially and specifically help out new users on the website as well as serve as an extended arm of the moderators to help keep things in order. I also became a global intern at openstudy for 10 weeks and I had to cooperate with other interns to come up with marketing strategies which to implement and attract more students to the site. This I will say was not easy but made me realise that in a huge and diverse community like openstudy, it was important for me to realise that making decisions had to involve everyone seeing as there's different people and a lot of them, there will be multiple views but a final decision had to suit what everyone would be happy with. I am not the one to blow my own trumpet but I would say that my creative ideas and constructive arguments has certainly made a global classroom a better place and I am proud of that.

    • 2 years ago
  2. lgbasallote Group Title
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    i have some correction for the first paragraph so far.. My personality is best described by the word “introvert”. In the past couple of years, I have spent most of my time inside my bedroom, learning about computers, playing games, and the one thing that stands out of all my activities inside my room is chatting online, a lot. it was just some punctuation and grammar problem

    • 2 years ago
  3. sasogeek Group Title
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    ah, that :) thanks for pointing it out. but for the record, I hate writing so yh, this is the best i came up with

    • 2 years ago
  4. sasogeek Group Title
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    and btw the question i was answering was this: A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.

    • 2 years ago
  5. lgbasallote Group Title
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    here comes the second paragraph: As much as it is healthy to go out and enjoy the weather, since it's mostly warm all-year-round; to hang out with friends, and to just feel alive, so to speak, I have found that staying in my room has actually helped me more than anything I would have done if I was the outgoing type. In fact, I have become exposed to more things than I would have if I were an extrovert, due to my being an introvert. The reason is because the Internet was my escape route, and I have found that the internet is the most open, and the most diverse place anyone could ever be, and there I was. However, that should not be too surprising as almost everyone now uses the Internet, hence why it is so big and open. However, the reason why it matters to me is because I have probably spent more time in it than any other activities in my entire life.

    • 2 years ago
  6. sasogeek Group Title
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    well that sounds more nice actually :)

    • 2 years ago
  7. lgbasallote Group Title
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    I once spent twenty seven hours in the Internet, and the only breaks I took were when I had to eat. It was that bad, but not bad enough that in one of these encounters I had with the internet, I found a learning website called Openstudy with the url openstudy.com, and this website, I can say, has changed my life and my perspective on life itself. I found it while reading on one of MIT's OpenCourseWare sites because it was linked there and I met a fellow there who goes by the name, Owlfred. He invited me over to OpenStudy, so I decided to check it out. It turned out to be this huge studying community of students from all over the world who ask questions and have discussions in real time, and in different threads of different subjects. I need not mention this, but as obvious as it is, it was one huge diverse community, talk about students from all over the world! As I spend a lot of time on new things I find in the Internet just to know how they work, I must say though that OpenStudy is the community I consider a family now, since I've spent a lot of time there, talking geeky, making a lot of friends, helping people and though there are more than a hundred thousand users, I can say I know most of them personally.

    • 2 years ago
  8. lgbasallote Group Title
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    OpenStudy was a place I also considered to be more like an open high school and college combined; seeing as the users ranged from 7th graders and all the way to PhD students. I have invested a lot of time in the users, such that I spent hours, sometimes two or three, on a simple algebra question because I value the importance and need for understanding. Although helping the students that use the site became a priority, I also felt a need to make sure the website itself was a conducive enough place for everyone to feel welcome. Having been exposed to people on the web, I knew how mean and weird an open community could get. That made me use the feedback section a lot, and often times had arguments with the moderators and developers on the state of the website. All my efforts did not go unseen by the users and this made them embrace me more like a brother because they realised my concern for them as users too. Even though I am an introvert, I am very outspoken and like to express myself a lot, as well as be extremely nice, which I find to be a good thing because you never know where you will find yourself someday. This was noticed by the administrators of such a huge website, and caused them to make me an ambassador for the website, along with other users, to specially and specifically help out new users on the website, as well as serve as an extended arm of the moderators to help keep things in order. I also became a global intern at OpenStudy for 10 weeks and I had to cooperate with other interns to come up with marketing strategies, which is to implement and attract more students to the site. This, I will say, was not easy, but made me realise that in a huge and diverse community like OpenStudy, it was important for me to realize that making decisions had to involve everyone's realizing that there are different kinds of people. There will be multiple views, but a final decision has to suit what everyone would be happy with.

    • 2 years ago
  9. lgbasallote Group Title
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    I am not one to blow my own trumpet, but I would say that my creative ideas and constructive arguments have certainly made the global classroom a better place, and I am proud of that.

    • 2 years ago
  10. lgbasallote Group Title
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    by the way..i noticed a lot of your texts were British.

    • 2 years ago
  11. sasogeek Group Title
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    yeah, Ghana was colonised by the English, so I speak English english :)

    • 2 years ago
  12. lgbasallote Group Title
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    ahh yes.Then, please correct my correction for realise. I assumed you were speaking American English

    • 2 years ago
  13. sasogeek Group Title
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    but then in general, what do you think of the context? with respect to the question... at least i know you've just dealt with the content :P

    • 2 years ago
  14. lgbasallote Group Title
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    the conclusion was good because you advertised yourself. However, it seems a little too short

    • 2 years ago
  15. lgbasallote Group Title
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    and then...the context...well it answers the question....i think your point was diversity was important for you because it induces better learning

    • 2 years ago
  16. lgbasallote Group Title
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    a bit ironic though, that your introduction describes your having your own world as an introvert, and then you said in your body that you value diversity. it might be a good idea to make something like a bridge or transition since those are opposing ideas. Probably state that OpenStudy showed you that learning together is better than learning alone and why? I don't think you expressed that explicitly..did you?

    • 2 years ago
  17. lgbasallote Group Title
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    those are all my comments

    • 2 years ago
  18. sasogeek Group Title
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    interesting thoughts :) i think i get you but the point i was trying to make was that though i am an introvert, the internet being my escape route, i have become an open person. and where i find myself now (openstudy) has helped me fit into a diverse world (not sure if i explain myself well) and i who was an introvert now am a contributor to this diverse world.... :/ maybe i need to rewrite it lol, idk.

    • 2 years ago
  19. lgbasallote Group Title
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    oh. well that's a different story...literally

    • 2 years ago
  20. sasogeek Group Title
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    i suck at writing :(

    • 2 years ago
  21. lgbasallote Group Title
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    not really. it's just a matter of perspective. Are you familiar with the saying, "People see what they want to see". Our brain projects and understands things based on our previous knowledge. My brain may just not be familiar with your story that's why my brain projected a different scenario.

    • 2 years ago
  22. sasogeek Group Title
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    interesting. you're smart xD maybe i don't have to write another one after all. i just need a way to express what i want to say better and probably modify this one to suit just that.

    • 2 years ago
  23. lgbasallote Group Title
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    Probably. Express it in a way that readers can easily relate and project the right images.

    • 2 years ago
  24. sasogeek Group Title
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    thanks bro. will give you feedback on that later. atm i'm cooking :P

    • 2 years ago
  25. lgbasallote Group Title
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    welcome and good luck

    • 2 years ago
  26. Agent_Sniffles Group Title
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    I have nothing to say except that its freaking amazing! :D

    • 2 years ago
  27. sasogeek Group Title
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    well thank you :) that certainly is a nice thing to say but are you sure you don't spot any gaps i should close? you've read the question i was supposed to answer... right?

    • 2 years ago
  28. Agent_Sniffles Group Title
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    Yeah.. But, no. It seems fine to me. Easy to follow, interesting, and informative.

    • 2 years ago
  29. sasogeek Group Title
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    cool :)

    • 2 years ago
  30. Hero Group Title
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    Just remember, no matter how good an essay is, someone else can come along and provide suggestions to make it better. I personally find that structuring your sentences around active verbs helps to make your writing more expressive, more engaging, and more enjoyable to read. Also, readers like it when you tell a good story. I'm not saying you didn't do that already, I'm just saying, perhaps you can focus on describing one really good experience you had with open study--a specific event that took place on Open Study that significantly impacted you and describe it IN DETAIL, include something funny and include something you learned from it and describe what makes OS so unique. I see that you started talking about about some of your experiences with OS, but they seem sporadic. I'm suggesting to focus on one particular event but focus on telling a really good story. If you keep that specific agenda in mind while you're writing, I think your writing will improve greatly. So to summarize: 1. Focus on telling a really good story 2. Focus on one specific event (this will help to make sure that the entire essay connects, flows logically, and the reader is able to follow from beginning to end) 3. Use active verbs 4. Describe events in more detail It is possible to focus on describing one particular event and still include all the points you want to make in your essay. It just depends on how creative you are. Good luck.

    • 2 years ago
  31. sasogeek Group Title
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    thank you :) much appreciated, will be sure to put that in my second attempt :)

    • 2 years ago
  32. Hero Group Title
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    I'd like to read it after you've made the improvements.

    • 2 years ago
  33. sasogeek Group Title
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    certainly I'd notify you :) thanks again x

    • 2 years ago
  34. blues Group Title
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    Try to read it as a college admissions board would read it. I wouldn't go as far as to say "be what they are looking for" - just try to see how they will interpret (and possibly misinterpret) it from their perspective and make it clear accordingly. I have listed some more specific thoughts: 1. I would be very, very careful about that first paragraph. Colleges are not looking for "introverts" who have spent the last couple years of their life closeted away with a computer and by extension are possibly going to spend the next couple years shuttered up in their dorm rooms instead of engaging with the university community. It is a catchy intro precisely because it so different from what everyone else is going to write ("Look at meeee! I was in seventeen school clubs and sports teams and still found time to volunteer at the old folks home, blah, blah, blah") - but I would add a sentence or even couple sentences to the effect that you were not being an antisocial introvert but were pursuing broader academic, intellectual and social options than would have otherwise been available to you. You were not shutting yourself away from the world but were reaching out and engaging with it in ways and to an extent that would have otherwise been impossible. And it is because you reach out and engage with smart, diverse communities that you will be perfect for their campus. DO NOT make them read the rest of your essay to infer that by themselves - TELL IT TO THEM IN THE INTRO! 2. I would work on the "so what" of each paragraph. Typically the first sentence of each paragraph is an 'intro' sentence which presents what the paragraph is going to be about. Then the next few sentences are the evidence - like descriptions of your participation on OpenStudy. Then the last few sentences are the conclusion. DO NOT MAKE OR LET THEM DRAW THEIR OWN CONCLUSIONS FROM YOUR EVIDENCE. Humans love being told what to think - don't make them work to infer from your evidence what you mean. They might be lazy and not bother (in which case your essay won't make sense), they might think, "This is really purposeless and poorly argued" (which is not what you want), or they might come to some other conclusion from your evidence than you want them to. So after you tell your story, explain why you told it. "This is what I did - I contributed on OpenStudy!" and then tie it back to the question - how does this demonstrate your commitment to diversity, etc? Rub their noses in it. 3. I would change "arguments with the moderators and administrators" to "discussions with the moderators and administrators." The admissions board is made up of college administrators and they are *not* kindly inclined toward prospective undergraduates who show any possibility at all of arguing with them for four years. 4. I would emphasize the particular academic and intellectual merit of OpenStudy, as well as the social features. Here you help tutor people! Here you find tutors who help you with programming! 5. I would come up with a stronger conclusion for the essay. Tie it back to the question and the thesis you set forth in the introduction. You have spent the whole essay doing a great job of *showing* them why you would be a great addition to their school - now you have a chance to sum it up and tell them, in light of all the evidence you have just presented, why you should be admitted. Overall, very well done! I too am very eager to see a second draft of your essay!

    • 2 years ago
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