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LilVeroDez13

My personal essay! Title One Moment. Can someone plz look at it nd let me know wat to add, take out, any feedback u have. Thx (:

  • one year ago
  • one year ago

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  1. LilVeroDez13
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    Iknow its long.. but id really appreaite it :))! Have you ever thought about how one moment can change your life? Some may say no and others may say yes. Some realize that just one second can change everything but others say "live your life to the fullest" in-till that last breath you take. After that moment, you realize you should have calmed down and not of "lived to the fullest", but that one moment can really have an impact on you. This is the story of my friend, who could have almost died. It only took that one moment to change her life. It is a day I will never forget. It was a Saturday late afternoon, on our way to the Snake River. It’s my mom, dad, sister, brother, my friend and I. The traffic was lined up like a never-ending row of dominoes. Cars going left and right, some are going to the same place and others are going about their life. Each car with a person or people, who all had different lives, various may be excited about floating the river or about other events. Some people perhaps "Got up on the wrong side of the bed today.” Every day our live starts or ends with a different feeling. When we finally get there you can feel the summer breeze of a late August day. Hear the gently swaying trees, as autumn time approaches and the leaves start to tumble down. People scattered everywhere on the coarse sand, putting air into their float, filled with excitement. It’s as if people are at the doors before they open for Black Friday, people are making their way to the river all in a cluster. “Are you ready?” said my dad. “Yes!” my friend and I screeched. We make our way to the river, overflowing with stimulation, jumping up and down. Before we get into the float, my friend and I touch the water and we both have the same reaction. “That’s freezing!” we both said. The flow of the water is moving peaceful, were all just chilling on the float, and thinking to our selves how beautiful the natural landscape looks and how nothing was like that one perfect moment. Little did we know that all that was going to change within the next few minutes. The water’s flow changed, instead of it being peaceful, it became treacherous. The wild rapids shoved us into trees on the right side and it stuck thorns into the float. It started to deflate, but luckily it was the inside part of the float, which it’s just for comfort and not safety. As we were looking at the float to make sure everything else was okay, we didn’t notice right away that my friend had fell out. I yelled, “Marissa! Marissa!” I didn't know how it had happened. One minute she was safe and the next she was under water... DROWNING! I tried so hard to grab her, tried to grasp my hands on anything I could get, tried to do everything, but I couldn't! Her legs thrashed and struggled hard against the current. Her life was slowly going through my fingers. The water was swallowing her up like a human swallows there food. I was so scared that I felt like I was drowning with her. The branch we were holding snapped and the float was moving away. We told everyone who passed by if they saw a brunette girl in the water. Nearly everyone told us they hadn’t, but a few told us that she was holding onto a small branch. I was relieved that she was fine but I had no idea how I could get to her. Because the flow of a river only goes forward, it’s impossible to fight against the current. We kept getting further and further away from the wild rapids. As soon as saw a rest spot, we paddled the float and just waited, because that was all we could do. About 30 minutes of waiting, I see her in a float. These two guys helped her. I can’t even say how thankful I am that she is alive. I saw the water pull her body down, the fear in her eyes. It’s just amazing that in the horrific event, she came out with minor scratches from branches and bruises from the rocks under the river. I have learned countless things from the incident and so has my friend. My friend and I don’t take live for granted or waste the precious time that we still have. We both vowed that next summer we will go again, because we have both learned that when a tragic event happens like that, you can’t just pass by on it. You have to get back in or else you’ll live in fear.

    • one year ago
  2. daniceko
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    First never start with a question second paragraph instead of its my mom , dad, etc it should be it was. ill finish later

    • one year ago
  3. hheston
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    i dont think its bad to start with a question. if it is more of a personal essay, it draws the reader in.

    • one year ago
  4. LilVeroDez13
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    My writing teacher said that to start with a ? cuz its considered an attention grabber.

    • one year ago
  5. daniceko
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    O Ok my English teacher told us not too but ok. In the third to last paragraph instead of we told everyone if they has seen a brunette it should be we asked. Everything else is good I really liked it.

    • one year ago
  6. LilVeroDez13
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    @daniceko alright! Thanks! (:

    • one year ago
  7. hheston
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    Some realize that just one second can change everything but others say "live your life to the fullest" in-till that last breath you take. --- i think in this sentence i would say that living your life to the fullest is understanding that every second counts. i would classify this as the same type of person.

    • one year ago
  8. daniceko
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    No problemo @LilVeroDez13 I was glad to help :)

    • one year ago
  9. LilVeroDez13
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    @hheston Thank you! :)

    • one year ago
  10. hheston
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    overall, its good. just make sure you use the same tense. you go from past to present to past a bunch. just make sure its all past. :)

    • one year ago
  11. LilVeroDez13
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    Okk... can u give an example where i go from past to present.. sorry i just dont know (: Thx

    • one year ago
  12. countonme123
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    run on...It’s as if people are at the doors before they open for Black Friday, people are making their way to the river all in a cluster.

    • one year ago
  13. countonme123
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    Wow good job! You had me worried the girl was gonna die! Good story and good lesson.

    • one year ago
  14. LilVeroDez13
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    should I just leave it at.. its as if people are at the doors before they open for Black Friday.. nd take out the rest? Thanks!!! (:

    • one year ago
  15. countonme123
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    It was as if people were at the doors before they open for Black Friday. People are quickly making their way to the river all in a cluster. maybe like this?

    • one year ago
  16. LilVeroDez13
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    Yeahh i think that sounds better :) Thanks.. is there anything else u think i should change?

    • one year ago
  17. countonme123
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    no the rest was good. i almost cried when you said... "Her life was slowly going through my fingers." A very interesting story. Two best friends hanging out and they run into trouble...I like how in the end they will go again :) haha

    • one year ago
  18. LilVeroDez13
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    Aww (: thanks! it was an experience i learnedfrom.. and we will go again :D Ha

    • one year ago
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