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First of all, it is not organized properly. Most teachers want you to use a 5-paragraph format.
Paragraph 1: Introduction. You need to choose THREE main points to cover. These points, as well as your thesis, will be in your introduction. Tell your reader what he is about to read.
Paragraph 2: Discuss main point 1.
Paragraph 3: Discuss main point 2.
Paragraph 4: Discuss main point 3.
Paragraph 5: Conclusion. Summarize your paper. You will restate your thesis and your three main points. Basically, tell the reader what he has just read. No new information should be in your conclusion.
Once the paper is organized, post it again. It will be much easier to read and proofread.