• bakonloverk
ok should i add or remove anything from this paragraph to make it better? My dream started like this. The shadow was chasing me down a long tunnel. I must be the stupidest guy in the world because I kept glancing behind me and looking into its eyes. Every time I looked back, it held me in its grasp. It was like I was hypnotized. It was pitch black in the tunnel and I kept running into things. I was doing pretty well before I tripped on an old box. I saw the shadow coming towards me. I tried to scream and unlike my other dreams, it actually worked.
  • Stacey Warren - Expert
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  • jamiebookeater
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  • bakonloverk
At the time I didn’t know if the scream scared it off or if it just decided it didn’t want to kill me, but I flew over my body and kept on going. Only then did I notice that the shadow wasn’t chasing me. I heard Hunter’s blood-curling scream. The shadow was hurting him. I don’t know why, but this shocked me. I thought the shadow and Hunter were working together, but I guess I was wrong. Hunter screamed again and I head the voice of the blue eyed figure, “I warned you. I’ve kept you around all these years and I can easily end your life right here, right now”
  • anonymous
Get rid of "I must be" "It was like". The best writers can attribute their characters thoughts through their actions. Also avoid repetition at the beginning of sentences, like "I". That takes away from the rythym. Show, don't tell. Use imagery and convey your character's thoughts more through his actions; it gets the reader more involved.
  • bakonloverk
ok thank u

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