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"The Craeten" Anyone Care To Look Over My Book ? Warning: Its Long Also, All Negative Feedback Is Appreciated. It WIll Help Make It Better

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Prologue BANG! I ducked just in time to see my sister, Angel, fly past me into the cream colored wall. With a face full of pain and agony, her distorted body flops to the floor and lies there in a puddle of her own blood. I look up to see the terrible creature. It was almost the size of the room. Which would explain the torn-in-half doorway. I stared into its blue eyes. They looked almost human. Its mouth agape in a loud howl of grief. I let out sharp cry as it ran past me on unusually light footsteps. As it ran past, it had a slight limp. It looked to have a very deep gash on its left leg. I cradle my sister in my arms and think to myself, "How will I explain this to mother ?" A thought flashed in my mind. I lay her down with a silent tears falling down my cheek. I place one last kiss upon her forehead, ran into the kitchen and darted to my mothers room. I stopped at the door and stared at the doorknob and wondered what was on the other side. I reach for the doorknob. My heart skips a beat. My hand finally grabs the metallic silver knob, and slowly turns....
Chapter one I open the door, and my mothers body topples on top of me. Her eyes stared into mine and I had never seen such fear in anyone. My mother, who was normally very composed and never frightened, had been obviously made to suffer. I wrapped my hands around her and I felt a slight imprint on the back on her neck. I turned her head. Sure enough, the symbol of an eye inside a pyramid had been burned into her skin. I cringed and turned her head back over. I laid my mother down gently and looked around. My father was nowhere to be seen. I stepped into room and immediately became nauseous. There was blood everywhere. On the cream colored walls, and the matching rug, even on the imported tye dye bed. Father always had an odd taste. The smell was much stronger in here. It would only be amount of time before animals came. I walked into the bathroom looking for Father. There were puddles of blood all over the tile floor, which I almost slipped on a few times. There was noone there. As I turned to leave, I noticed the bath had been made. The tub was filled with a strange dark liquid. Something pale was floating within it. Not thinking, I grabbed it and pulled. I had found Father. I almost screamed bloody murder when I saw half his face was torn off. Almost every bone was exposed and could be seen bulging, or ripped through his clothes. I couldn't control my stomach anymore. I dropped him back into the tub and vomited into the trashcan beside it. I ran out the bathroom, avoiding the puddles, and almost collapsed in the kitchen.
Catching myself on the counter, I thought about how unprepared I was. I had been waiting for my moment to save the family and prove myself. When I finally get the chance, I think about the oncoming attack. My first thought should have been to warn my family. I gripped the gun on my hip. The chamber held only a few bullets left. I was stupid to waste most my ammo on the creatures outside. Never thought to check inside. I went deep into thought what my next move should be. I closed the windows and the shades. Thought about calling the officials. But then again, I'm covered in blood, holding a gun, and my story is ridiculous. Walking back into the kitchen, I noticed footprints consisting of green tinted blood coming from my sisters room into my parents room. I went to my room, grabbed a small baggie and a piece of paper no bigger then an inch. Ran back into the kitchen and dotted the paper in the blood. After placing it in the baggie, I sealed it as air tight as I could. Hiding it on my person, I called 911. After preparing myself to sound paranoid, the operator came on the line. "911 what's your emergency?" It was a female with a very sweet voice of about thirty. In a split second, I decided to throw 'paranoid' out the window and go full 'attempted murder victim'. I was stuttering and very frantic. I started to scream at the operator in a choked up voice, "Please you got to help me!!" She asked the basic questions. "Where are you?" "What happened?" It did her no good. She said to stay on the line while she tracked my call and wait until the police got to me. Not even a minute later I decided tried to make the story I was going to tell story more believable, or at least prove me innocent on count of psychosis. I pulled the shades up as quiet as I could. She was about to ask another question when I cut her off. Showtime! I thought. I screamed in a frantic, but still audible, voice and said, "Oh my God ! They're back !" I ignored her attempts to get my attention, and fired my gun twice. The first shot broke the window. I looked up and could see the same creature, about twenty yards away, drop to the ground. I checked my chamber, four bullets remained. I clenched the in my hand as best I could and aimed carefully. I shot once more, and hit its arm.

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I held the phone out and prayed the operator could hear the monsters screams of agony. It definitely didn't sound human. I hung up the phone figuring she had heard enough, and shot three more times at its head. It fell to the ground. I reloaded my gun, and placed it against my hip once again. Grabbing my phone, I hoped to get a picture of it. I grabbed my dads shotgun wingspaned it, and fired it once out the window. BOOM I let myself smile through the tears at the thought that I wont be stuck with a tiny pistol. Loaded my pockets with fathers ammo, checked the perimeter, and jumped out the window. With every step I took, my walk quickened. I was almost sprinting now, not thinking there could be more out here. I finally reached the horrid thing. It was laying face down in a pool of green tinted blood. Staying a good five feet away, I steadied my shotgun at it. After throwing a small branch at it, and let out a sigh of relief as it did not move. Still cautious, I got my phone out and took a picture. The flash went off. I had to stop myself from screaming when it made a nervous coyote yelp and run away. I looked back at my window, checking for animals or any more disturbance. "Clear" I told myself. Turning back around, the creature still hadn't moved. I took another step forward and heard the sirens. Apparently silence isn't a virtue. I stepped back and took a couple more pictures of the creature. As I took the last one, a bullet flew by my head. I quickly went to the brightest page on my phone and held it up towards the police. I made the sign language call of S.O.S. I heard someone call "stand down" and heard them moving towards me. For once that night, I noticed other senses besides nausea. I felt the cool wet grass against the deep cuts on my bare soles. I smelled nothing but blood. I could hear my heart beating in my ears. My hands were numb, I let up on my grip on the shotgun. My throat was on fire. I was shaking so bad, I was surprised I could stand. Looking up for a brief moment, I saw the moon. So beautiful. I wonder how many sites like mine it has seen. When an officer finally got to me, he raised his guns higher at the sight of my shotgun. I could barely make out his face. A straight jaw line was all I could see behind the helmet. When I could peel my eyes away from him, I nodded towards the creature.
"Drop your weapon!" he ordered, his voice sounding stressed and hoarse. Keeping my shotgun pointing steadily at where I last saw the creature, I eyed him wearily. "Can you not see this huge creature in front of us?" I pleaded. We both looked at where I had my shotgun pointed, a look of shock and disbelief came over my face. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe or think. The creature had disappeared into thin air. After he stripped me of my weapons, the officer and I went into house. I counted maybe fifteen officers, give or take a few. I was only a little bit angry when I noticed they kicked my door down. I guess they don't fancy windows like I do. I noticed a little smirk come across my mouth at this thought. Wiped it off immediately, probably not a good idea to have any kind of smile on my face coming into a house like this. The first situation I was brought to, was my sister. I dropped to my knees and took half her body out of the body bag. My ears filled with shocked gasps and even someone vomiting. i wiped some blood off her face. "Ma'am you cannot do that" the young officer snapped. I could see his face better in this light. He looked to be in his twenties. Along with the square jaw line, he had hazel eyes, arched eyebrows, naturally pursed lips, cut brown hair, and dimples that show without smiling. I snapped back at him in a voice heavily layered with sarcasm, slightly fishing for sympathy, "You have enough of her blood to take! A little off her face wont do any harm." The officer backed off. His badge read "Deputy Guy Harris". I looked back at my sister and cradled her in my arms once again. I was left alone with her and two officers. Guy seemed to be my personal escort. He never took his eyes off me. I couldn't tell if it was fear, or confusion I read on his face. Probably both. I shed some tears for my sister. We just got our relationship back after years of drama. I stroked her hair and felt the same burn on her as was on my mother. I made sure not to react, Id rather keep it a secret for now. Suddenly, I heard commotion off in the other room. I was torn away from my dear sibling and thrown into the kitchen. A female officer was passed out on my kitchen floor. I should have warned them. I was eyed by almost everyone in the room. I was taken to my parents door way, where my mother was placed in a body bag as well.
These guys work fast. Which one of these creeps had the guts to bag up my family. Guy came up behind me, "Are you going to unzip her too?" My lower lip quivering I replied, "You couldn't handle it." At that he took a step closer to her. After a flash of pure anger pour through my eyes, he stopped dead in his tracks. After a brief moment of silence, the passed out cop woke up and was taken out of the house. I was pressed on into the room. Immediately closing my eyes. After a moment of preparing myself, I opened them and saw flashes of light in the bathroom. I was offered a blanket. Remembering the old, cheesy cop and victim movies, I draped it over my shoulders, offered a nod, and moved on into the bathroom to investigate the flashes. As I guessed, they were taking pictures. Father wasn't wrapped up yet. I took a step back and bumped into Guy. Why must he always be right behind me? A wave of anger came over me. With a hint of accusation I snapped, "Who's going to wrap him up?" A look of pure shock came onto his face and he went back the to the bedroom doorway, not letting anyone else into the room. I turned my attention back to fresh corpse of my father. The forensics arrived surprisingly fast. I guess I shouldn't have been so surprised they handled him with such casualty. It is their job too handle things like this. When they brought out the body bag, I offered to help. Of course, I was denied due to evidential concerns. I walked over to Guy, tried too look shaken up. I was way too calm for this situation. "Are you done?" he asked me. I nodded, feeling the tears come back to me.
We walked through the house, where I once again got dirty looks. Once we were outside, I was placed in a cop car. I was asked to explain. It took me a minute to comprehend his words. I looked up at him searching his face for any type of friendliness. I never to a liking to cocky officers. As if he understood, he gave me a few minutes to gather my thought and left me alone. I watched him walk over to some officers next to a cop car. They swapped papers and talked about what they think happened. I could practically hear the accusations running through their heads. How am I going to explain this to the rest of the family ? Am I even aloud to see them ? The Elite will probably burn the house down, and say mom tried a new recipe and everything went wrong. I can feel every thought being broken down. I just need to figure out how I'm going to get away from the officials long enough to investigate the area, where the creature disappeared, myself before they got to it. I need to find out where it crossed dimensions. Just when I was almost deep in thought, I remembered the cameras they put in cop cars. So I finally let myself breakdown and cried. I cried long and loud. To add to the show, I fell over and sprawled myself out on the backseat. I grabbed my chest. I kicked my feet, I tore my hair out. Had a full mental breakdown. This oughta be good enough for the Elite to think I'm vulnerable, I thought to myself. There wasn't a moment when I wasn't clenching my teeth or had my mouth agape in a whail of pain. My face was burning, I could tell it was red. I could feel veins popping out of my forehead and neck. I couldnt believe not one of the cops came over to me. When I decided to "calm down", I held myself up on my side, gripped my blanket tighter, and made my face give the expression of "get a grip of yourself, you're about to talk to the cute cop" wait. Cute? I am way to accustomed to these types of events to be thinking how I could get him to ask me out. I rubbed my eyes and made an attempt to fix my hair and makeup.
I noticed something sharp poking my right leg. Knowing I could use it to my advantage, I pretended to be trying to pull my legs up to hug them, and dug my right leg deep into the object. I screamed even thouh my adrenaline was way to high for me to notice any pain. I grabbed my leg. and examined it quickly before two officers and a paramedic rushed to my side. cut a pretty sizeable gash going up the back of my leg. I didnt recognize one of the officers or the paramedic. My knight in shining armor, Guy, was right behind them looking very concerned. The other officer looked to be in his mid-thirties, with very rugged features. "What the hell did you do this time?" He asked in a very accusing tone. Oh great! This one has a real big badge on em'. In the most sarcastic, but still choked up in pain voice I could manage, "Something in your deputies car cut me. Ill have that scar for the rest of my life!" He looked angrily at his deputy. Oops. Did I just lose my best friend over there ? Mister two steps behind me guy ? Mister "hey you're cute, pick me up at 8"?... Okay scratch that last one... He returned his attention to me. "Sorry ma'am. Matt here, will fix you up". The cocky officer shot Guy one last dirty look before walking back to his car. Matt was in the middle of applying my stitches when he looked up at me. A look of curiosity and wonder in his eyes. I offered a kind "Thank you" and the cutest smile I could manage to him. He nodded and went back to work. I turned my attention to Deputy Harris. "Nice legs." He offered. "Not anymore." I returned. I bent over to watch the paramedic. My face was cringed with pain. "Sorry about that. When he's done, I'll help you into the front seat." The feeling started to come back into my body. I now felt the pain and almost doubled over at the burning feeling in my leg.
The deputy stepped to my side and I instinctively grabbed his hand and squeezed. Once I realized what I was doing, I blushed and let go. "It's okay. I know it hurts. I'll check out what cut you when he's done." I managed to get out a weak "okay." "I'd rather sit back here though. Away from accusing eyes." I grabbed the seat edge in an attempt to ease the pain. "Here." He grabbed my hand. I blushed and squeezed. Just a little. "Thanks." I was face to face with him now. "So do you want to tell me what happened? I'm very curious to know what 'monster' you were referring too when I got there." It took me a minute to remember. He was so handsome. I shook my head. Back to reality. You can charm him later, I thought. After a moment of thinking, I still couldnt say anything. It was hard to word it. "Well, it's hard to explain" I started. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but maybe I should get your basic information first. It will give you some more time to gather your thoughts." He clicked his pen and got out his clipboard from on top of the car. I squeezed even harder as Matt applied the last stitch. "Oh, you've got quite a grip." he offered. I blushed again and let go of his hand. "All done!" Matt stood up to leave, I almost forgot he was there. He had dirty blonde hair and crystal blue eyes. His nose was a little smaller then average, and he had thin lips. He wasn't that bad looking. Maybe I was looking at him a little longer then I should have, he started blushing. I looked down and examined my leg. Guy cleared his throat, "So er, what's your name miss?" "Lana." "And your last name miss Lana?" "Evans. Lana Evans." I replied. I held onto my phone in my pocket and set it to record, and started to explain exactly what happened.
hey! this is good! :) nice job! i only have enough time to proofread a bit cuz i have to go :/ but here is what i proofread :) when you start with past tense, you need to keep the entire story in past tense :) what i fixed is in red... but if u wanted it in present tense, you just make sure everything is in present tense :) good job!! good luck!! :)
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it wasnt in pretense
ohh okay haha but i just fixed the parts to make it past tense :) anyhooo, good luck!!! its a great story!
Well u selled Creation wrong on the title:)
no its craeten i know how to spell
Oh alrighty then
craeten as in monster.
Ahh gottcha, alrighty then
would u mind giving me feedback on it ?
Sure:) Its good, a few sketchy points in there, but all in all a good book:) i wud buy it:)
thanks. a few sketchy points ? please, do tell ! i want all negative feedback so i can make it better
Wow that's great! I mean there are a few parts that i would phrase differently but other then that, it's great!
can u tell me which aprts ? on some i didnt know how else to phrase it
Sure :) I'd love too. I'll copy and paste it and retyp somethings and then post the document. Give me a few minutes.
okay can u add the origional sentence too ?
Of course, I'm only making some suggestions.
okay thanks
Sorry, I want to make sure you like the changes :)
I think I'm done... :) I love this story.
thank. but i dont have to put 's after certain words. for example "I was taken to my parents door way" it would not be "I was taken to my parent is door way,"
@mikaa_toxica13, you need to put the apostrophe.. apostrophes represent ownership... the door way was the door way of the parents.. so you need to put "I was taken to my parents' door way." just like for example... if a jacket belongs to Jimmy, you would say, "That is Jimmy's jacket." does that make sense?
jimmys' jacket makes sence. jimmy is (jimmy's) jacket does not.
jimmy is not a jacket. unless u name your clothes. then jimmy can be a jacket.
no.. if you want to write it the other way, you say "The jacket is Jimmy's." make sense?? and of course haha if u name ur jacket Jimmy then that would work... just look up lessons on apostrophes and u will understand better :)
well that still says "the jacket is jimmy is" the only way it makes somewhat sence to me is s' jimmys'
no... just because there is an apostrophe, that does not mean it represents "is".... please read this... there are many uses to apostrophes.. not just to take place of "is"..

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