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math456

  • one year ago

Can someone proofread my essay.. And tell me the mistakes, i got a bad grade -__-

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  1. math456
    • one year ago
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    5 pg

  2. math456
    • one year ago
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    i don't know if there really are mistakes, but I just need a feedback!

  3. math456
    • one year ago
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    @UnkleRhaukus @ghazi

  4. math456
    • one year ago
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    @robtobey

  5. BostonBlue
    • one year ago
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    how about if you put up just the first page? that way you can get some feedback and get a general idea of the kind of issues you need to deal with in the rest of it. i'll read it and give you feedback if you post it.

  6. math456
    • one year ago
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    sounds good.~

  7. math456
    • one year ago
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  8. math456
    • one year ago
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    @BostonBlue

  9. BostonBlue
    • one year ago
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    ok, i got the attachment. i like the topic of your paper, it's interesting. i'm going to break the writing issues down into small pieces, so my comments will make sense (hopefullly!;) so let's start with your topic sentence. You wrote: Life is an open book and we learn each step as we grow. Topic sentences are important, because they tell the reader where you're going. The one you have is a little vague. Your paper talks about stages of development, so I think the topic sentence could be a little more about that. Can you think of a metaphor besides ‘open book’ that relates to your topic more? How about life as a journey? A journey with many stages? And that we grow and learn at each stage. Do you think that fits the topic of your paper a little better? How about if you try writing a topic sentence using those ideas? (and post it for me and then we'll go on to the next thing.)

  10. math456
    • one year ago
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  11. math456
    • one year ago
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    Thanks @BostonBlue. I edited it and this is what I have now! Life is a journey and as we grow we learn at each stage. Stages play an important role in life because it teaches us how to deal in reality. Basically, there are many general stages of development. Erick Erikson, an ego-psychologist describes the development of human in different stages. Each growing stage is important in the lifespan i.e. newborn to adolescence, adolescence to adulthood and then adulthood to the old age. I believe that the most important stage in life is the young adulthood. It’s the stage where young adults are matured to take the decisions of their life. Young people in transition life stage are successful leaners, confident, and they have a positive supportable purpose towards their life.

  12. BostonBlue
    • one year ago
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    That's a great topic sentence! It just needs a comma after "as we grow," . i'm going to focus on the next few sentences so we can get this first paragraph to be a good and clear start to the paper. my comments are all in parentheses ( ). YOU WROTE: Stages play an important role in life because it teaches us how to deal in reality. (NOTE: i love that you took out the sentence that previous followed that (!) which was: "Life teaches us ways, which connect us to take the steps." good editing job on that! Sometimes, what’s really nice about editing, is that when something doesn’t work, instead of trying to fix it, you can just get rid of it!) (You could improve the sentence that begins with 'Stages above" in order to make things flow better. Since you’ve already introduced the idea of stages in your topic sentence, you could add “These” at the beginning of your sentence (for flow) - so it would start with “These stages play an important role in life,” --- but then it would be good to say something more than “because they teach us how to deal in reality.”) (How do you figure out what might be good to say? Let's ask some questions that might help: What do the stages do for us? Do they teach us how to deal with the things we have to face along the way as we grow? Do they show us how to learn from all the different challenges we face as we move through life? What do you think? How about if you rewrite the ending of this sentence to something along those lines? And then add it as the second sentence after your (shiny, new) topic sentence.) (I know we’re going slowly here, but I’ve found that if you get the start of a paper really clear, it makes it easier for the rest to flow from that.) next, YOU WROTE: "Basically, there are many general stages of development." (Since you’ve already established this - this is another sentence you could just delete.) (In the next sentence, you did another really good thing (that i was going to suggest) which is to add "Erik" instead of just saying Erkison - because the first time you introduce a person in a piece of writing, you're supposed to use their full name. more good editing on your part!) (i'm going to post this bit and then put up another post relating to the next few sentences and some ideas for rounding out the next part of this introductory paragraph.)

  13. BostonBlue
    • one year ago
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    next, YOU WROTE: Erik Erikson, an ego-psychologist, describes the development of human in different stages (I added a comma after psychologist because you need a comma on each side of a parenthetical phrase (here, the phrase that adds information about the subject, Erik Erikson). ALSO, I don’t think he was known as an ego-psychologist, but rather a “developmental psychologist” (notice that you say that he describes the "development" of human beings.) (To make the writing more clear and correct, you would also need to say “humans” with an “s” --- (or “human beings” would also work). Also, it would be good to say how many different stages Erikson has, for example: “ Erik Erikson describes the development of human beings in eight different stages” (Do you know how many stages he has? Is the number 8 correct?).)

  14. BostonBlue
    • one year ago
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    YOU WROTE: Each growing stage is important in the lifespan i.e. newborn to adolescence, adolescence to adulthood and then adulthood to the old age. (To keep your opening strong, and to follow on your ideas and flow - you could just go from your sentence that ends: “in eight different stages.” directly to: “Some of these stages are: newborn to adolescence, adolescence to adulthood, and then adulthood to the old age." (You'll want to remove "then" (it's unnecessary) as well as removing "the" from "the old age" and just say "adulthood to old age" - do you see why that reads better?) (You could also decide to list all eight stages if you wanted to to be really comprehensive. It kind of depends how deeply you go into the stages later.) (And since you need some kind of conclusion to that opening paragraph, how about if you flip your previous beginning to the sentence, to the end, for a nice way to sum it up: “Each growing stage is important in the lifespan.” It's a good sentence that you wrote and now we've found a great place for it!) (Can you pull together these edits and write up the new version of the first half of the intro paragraph? i haven't dealt with the part where you start talking about what you believe. Let's save that for later. This is enough for now. ) (It seems like you're a fast learner! keep up the good work!)

  15. math456
    • one year ago
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    Great, it looks much better now and you r right Erik defined 8 stages of life! Life is a journey and as we grow, we learn at each stage. These stages play an important role in life because they teach us how to deal with the things we will face along as we grow. The stages shape our behavior and conduct as we move forward in life. Erik Erikson, a developmental psychologist, describes the progress of humans in different stages. Erickson describes the development of human beings in eight different stages. Some of these stages are: newborn to adolescence, adolescence to adulthood and adulthood to old age. Each growing stage is important in the lifespan because each stage is connected to one another and it teaches us some moral values and respects to dealt in life.

  16. math456
    • one year ago
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    @BostonBlue

  17. BostonBlue
    • one year ago
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    It's looking really good! you've done a great job of looking at the feedback and putting it into your writing! a few tiny grammar tweaks to finalize this paragraph are below: (i'll just put comments in parentheses right after the place the suggestion belongs.) i wish there were different text colors so i could put my comments in another color, so it would be easier for you to read. YOU WROTE: Life is a journey and as we grow, we learn at each stage. These stages play an important role in life because they teach us how to deal with the things we will face along (you should remove 'along' because 'as we grow' is more clear without it. (may have been my mistake, maybe i left it in in my editing suggestions by accident!). or maybe it's just a typo, or at some point you were going to say "along the way." instead of 'as we grow'. either one is fine. but let's just stick with removing 'along.') as we grow. The stages shape our behavior and conduct as we move forward in life. Erik Erikson, a developmental psychologist, describes the progress (if you change 'progress' to 'development,' you can delete the next sentence that starts "Erikson describes" because it's repetitious anyway.) of humans in (i think you should put in "8" here) different stages. DELETE: {Erickson describes the development of human beings in eight different stages.} Some of these stages are: newborn to adolescence, adolescence to adulthood and adulthood to old age. Each growing (growing is a bit unclear here, might just want to say 'developmental') stage is important in the lifespan because each stage is (would be more grammatically correct to say "because the stages are" to have agreement between subject and verb) connected to one another and it teaches ('it teaches' is another part of the subject/verb agreement thing. the right words to refer to 'stages' (now that we've changed the subject to 'stages') is "they teach") us some moral values and respects to dealt in life. ('respects to dealt in life is not grammatically clear - i'm going to let you rewrite that to be clearer, i know you can do it!)

  18. math456
    • one year ago
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    Thanks its looks and sounds much more clear now! :) Life is a journey and as we grow, we learn at each stage. These stages play an important role in life because they teach us how to deal with the things we will face as we grow. The stages shape our behavior and conduct as we move forward in life. Erik Erikson, a developmental psychologist, describes the development of humans in eight different stages. Some of these stages are: newborn to adolescence, adolescence to adulthood and adulthood to old age. Each developmental stage is important in the lifespan because the stages are connected to one another and they teach us some moral values and respects to move forward in life.

  19. math456
    • one year ago
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    @BostonBlue

  20. BostonBlue
    • one year ago
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    hi, i don't know what it means when the messages says your name and then @BostonBlue. i'm new to this. can you tell me? also i notice that my response to your new paragraph doesn't show anymore.

  21. fourme
    • one year ago
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    Off hand, I just see some grammatical and proof reading errors.

  22. math456
    • one year ago
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    first paragraph looks good now! need to move on to the next one!

  23. math456
    • one year ago
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    @Hero @Mertsj @breerockzz @Boston Blue

  24. math456
    • one year ago
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    @BostonBlue

  25. math456
    • one year ago
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    oh okay, right~

  26. math456
    • one year ago
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    i didn't put the full essay, there was another helper who was helping me with this essay so he asked me to put just the first page! My essay is about 6 full pg long

  27. math456
    • one year ago
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    basically i had to pick a topic abt the stages of life and needed to include atleast 3-4 citations abt an author based on the researching..

  28. math456
    • one year ago
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    hmm...

  29. math456
    • one year ago
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    so far I had this as for introduction: Life is a journey and as we grow, we learn at each stage. These stages play an important role in life because they teach us how to deal with the things we will face as we grow. The stages shape our behavior and conduct as we move forward in life. Erik Erikson, a developmental psychologist, describes the development of humans in eight different stages. Some of these stages are: newborn to adolescence, adolescence to adulthood and adulthood to old age. Each developmental stage is important in the lifespan because the stages are connected to one another and they teach us some moral values and respects to move forward in life.

  30. math456
    • one year ago
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    Its "Stages of life and its importance"

  31. math456
    • one year ago
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    here this is my full essay with citations, advices, comments and concerns will be appreciated!

  32. math456
    • one year ago
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  33. math456
    • one year ago
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    oh its okay!

  34. BostonBlue
    • one year ago
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    hi there. it's late where i live, but i just took a glance at your whole paper. there are some good parts where you quote from or summarize several authors on your topic. that's good because then it's not all about one person's theory, you've looked at some of the literature on your topic to help you describe the topic. that's what a research paper is, basically. a summary from many sources on a topic. Hero is right that you should not use "I" in a research paper. that's a good rule to follow. i could work some more with you on your writing, but not tonight. i'll be online tomorrow night a little earlier than this if you're around. or some other time soon. do you get a chance to revise your paper for a better grade? and could you tell me what comments the teacher gave? that would help me understand what areas the teacher would like to see become more clear. also, what method or format did your teacher teach you for how to do the research paper. did he/she teach you a method? if so, it would be helpful for me to know what that was.

  35. BostonBlue
    • one year ago
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    ALSO . . . .it's great that you're trying to make your writing better! research papers can be hard to learn, but you can do it!! they're hard bc/ you have to pull in a lot of information and then put it all together in a way that sounds sensible with good flow, good consistency, etc. anyway, i could help you with some of it. i'll check in tomorrow to see if you're online.

  36. math456
    • one year ago
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    sure or you can just type in ur comments/advices in the word file next to my mistakes and I will go over them!

  37. math456
    • one year ago
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    this is newest one with professor's comments (in brackets)!

  38. BostonBlue
    • one year ago
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    sorry, i couldn't get on the site yesterday, bc/it was experiencing technical difficulties at the time i was trying. it's late in my time zone now, but i will look at your paper and prof's comments (thanks!) tomorrow and see what i can figure out that might help! oops, i don't see where you posted the newest one w/profs comments ???? can you do that?

  39. math456
    • one year ago
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    oh yea sure, sorry..

  40. math456
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  41. math456
    • one year ago
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    i attached it @BostonBlue

  42. BostonBlue
    • one year ago
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    thanks! i'm sorry that we're not usually on at the same time! right now, it's very late where i live and i'm about to sign off. i'm not usually even on this late! but i will look at it tomorrow! looking forward to helping you! talk to you soon.

  43. BostonBlue
    • one year ago
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    hi! i've read the paper. there are parts that are very good and don't need much work and then there are a few parts that need some more tweaking - mostly the ones where you use personal opinion or commentary. let me be sure i've got it straight though. . . did the assignment ask you to draw your own conclusions and ideas in the paper? or was it a straight research paper. if it's straight research then i can help you learn which parts don't fit - and we can go on the strength of the parts where you do such a great job of quoting authors and researchers to back up your assertions. those parts flow really nicely too! so i can see that you CAN write well!!! just need to straighten out some things is all. can you answer me about the exact assignment again? did your teacher ask for personal commentary and ideas in there or straight research. i was not able to see the comments of the teacher. were they on this doc?

  44. BostonBlue
    • one year ago
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    ok, no problem, i can see the comments now.

  45. BostonBlue
    • one year ago
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    your teacher gave good, specific comments. a good start would be to take the first comment and try to do what your teacher suggests. it was: "what come first? Organize better & show the connection to each other" this was about the stages of life from birth to middle age. it's a good opportunity to use the stages to structure what your'e writing in that section. as you write about the stages, give a little explanation of them and use some of what you already have to show why they're important. feel free to ditch some of what you have if it doesn't fit the new structure. saying why they're important should be short and concise, you shouldn't use opinions so much as common sense explanations. give this a try. i think it could really help that part of the paper. feel free to post a paragraph whenever you want if you have questions on how the writing is going.

  46. BostonBlue
    • one year ago
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    your teacher gave good, specific comments. a good start would be to take the first comment and try to do what your teacher suggests. it was: "what come first? Organize better & show the connection to each other" this was about the stages of life from birth to middle age. it's a good opportunity to use the stages to structure what your'e writing in that section. as you write about the stages, give a little explanation of them and use some of what you already have to show why they're important. feel free to ditch some of what you have if it doesn't fit the new structure. saying why they're important should be short and concise, you shouldn't use opinions so much as common sense explanations. give this a try. i think it could really help that part of the paper. feel free to post a paragraph whenever you want if you have questions on how the writing is going.

  47. math456
    • one year ago
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    okay, my topic was to focus on the young adulthood, that its the most important stage in terms of making a decision about your life, education and marriage.

  48. math456
    • one year ago
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    so I completed with that one. Can you give me some points regarding my 2nd essay. Its about parental issues. My topic is 'why is parenting important?' i am focusing on 'joyful parents and their outcome' and 'tough love of parents and their outcome!' @BostonBlue

  49. BostonBlue
    • one year ago
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    it sounds like a really good topic that you have there. comparing the two types of parenting should be fun! you'll have to give examples of each kind of parenting from your research. find a few experts who support each side and then explain their beliefs with quotes etc. don't give your opinion - just keep it to teaching the reader about the two sides. then you can give the pros and cons of each side - from the research. you can do the pros/cons in two possible ways: 1) explain both sides and then give pros and cons of both sides or 2) explain one side and then explain the pros and cons of it. then explain the other side and explain the pros and cons of that one. does your teacher have a structure he wants you to use? you could ask him about how to structure the topic before you begin (or while you're working on it). ask him if he would recommend option 1 or option 2 above? it helps in writing a paper, especially when you're learning, to have an outline of what the different parts should be to work off of. (first you do this, then you do this next thing, etc.) if your teacher has an outline for you to work from -what he expects your research paper to look like - you should definitely work from that. it really makes things easier!! does he want you to put your personal opinions in at all, or not? if so, how and where is he asking you to do that? if not, then don't do it! it would be good to have a short chat with the teacher to help guide you. let me know how it goes and how your paper is going. and feel free to ask questions as you go along.

  50. BostonBlue
    • one year ago
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    could you close the old question and start this question on this new paper as a new one? thanks!

  51. math456
    • one year ago
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    sure and thanks for all your supportive comments! I really appreciated them! They were of great help! @BostonBlue

  52. BostonBlue
    • one year ago
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    just put tag me in your new question if you put one up

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