anonymous
  • anonymous
Can someone critic my intro letter? Grammar and such> Please
Writing
  • Stacey Warren - Expert brainly.com
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At vero eos et accusamus et iusto odio dignissimos ducimus qui blanditiis praesentium voluptatum deleniti atque corrupti quos dolores et quas molestias excepturi sint occaecati cupiditate non provident, similique sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollitia animi, id est laborum et dolorum fuga. Et harum quidem rerum facilis est et expedita distinctio. Nam libero tempore, cum soluta nobis est eligendi optio cumque nihil impedit quo minus id quod maxime placeat facere possimus, omnis voluptas assumenda est, omnis dolor repellendus. Itaque earum rerum hic tenetur a sapiente delectus, ut aut reiciendis voluptatibus maiores alias consequatur aut perferendis doloribus asperiores repellat.
chestercat
  • chestercat
I got my questions answered at brainly.com in under 10 minutes. Go to brainly.com now for free help!
anonymous
  • anonymous
September 1, 2013 Miss Cancelli, English 114 Instructor Coastal Carolina Community College 444 Western Blvd. Jacksonville, NC 28546 Dear Miss Cancelli, As requested, I would like to take the time to properly introduce myself. My name is Roxana Luviano and I am thirty years of age. I am originally from California; born and raised. I have been in North Carolina for about one year. I am devoted and proud mother of two very smart children which are eleven and four years old. I work in the medical field as a Medical Assistant and Phlebotomist, at a local Cardiologist office. Patient care has been my passion, since I was a young child and I would love to share with you some short term and long term goals in my education and career. My career in the medical field began at Bryman College, in California, where I received my diploma as a Medical Assistant. I have worked in that field since 2005, which than drove me to continue to further my career. I decided to become a phlebotomist to expand my experience and attended Oceanside School in California as well. I received my diploma and state certification in 2007 and have worked in laboratory settings as well. I have had the opportunity to work in family practice settings, obstetrician and gynecology, internal medicine, dermatology, urology and most currently in a cardiologist office. This experience has been very rewarding and knowledgeable to my ultimate career goal in becoming a registered nurse. I continue to work hard to become a Registered Nurse so I at one point pursue the title as a Nurse Practitioner. In the past year I was attending University of Phoenix, because I planned on staying an at home mom, but now that my children are a bit older and of school age, I decided to be active at a local campus without the big expense of an online school. I have been attending Coastal Carolina Community College for a year now and am focused on applying for the registered nursing program they have to offer. I have finished most of the required courses to be able to apply for the program. Currently I am registered and taking Psychology 150, Chemistry 90, Communications 120 and English 114. With the college experience that I have, I am planning on finishing my Bachelors in Nursing at an online course back with University of Phoenix. As a single mom and working with my Nursing degree, I want to be able to also focus on my family, and attending a four year college may be a bit complicated at the time. Ultimately, they will be old enough where I will have more individual time and focus on finishing a Master’s Degree to become a Nurse Practitioner. Patient care continues to be my passion as I have a bit of experience in the field. I have plenty more to learn about the large responsibilities that come with being a registered nurse. Actually performing on hands procedure like I.V. placements and administering medication are all part of so many responsibilities. I am prepared to work hard for ultimately reaching my dream in taking care of people and giving back to the community. I have seen so many times poor care of children and the elderly, which is my deepest desire to change that. If I could make a difference in one person’s life than I know that all my hard work and sacrifices have been worth it. Our health is a major part of having a great lifestyle. I take pride in keeping active, on my down time I got to the gym and I go on walks with my children. I love to garden and enjoy going to the movies. I am in a stage in my life where I want to take in every little thing life has to offer. I involve myself with all of my children’s sports, baseball, soccer, football and basketball practices and games. Having a healthy lifestyle will ultimately give us the satisfaction of happiness even while working through it. I look forward to learning so much about writing in this class. Sincerely yours, Roxana Luviano Encl. (1)
goformit100
  • goformit100
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e.mccormick
  • e.mccormick
`I am devoted and proud mother of two very smart children which are eleven and four years old. ` Children are not which, they are who. These objects, which are... These people, who are... `I work in the medical field as a Medical Assistant and Phlebotomist, at a local Cardiologist office.` Comma fault. `Patient care has been my passion, since I was a young child and I would love to share with you some short term and long term goals in my education and career.` Another comma fault. If ` since I was a young child` is not critical it needs commas on both sides. Otherwise, drop the one in front. Also, the career to career transition is very good, hard to choose another term, but it works well for carrying the paragraph to the next. `I have worked in that field since 2005, which than drove me to continue to further my career.` but by this point is it over repeated. So you need to find a different word somewhere. Career , Calling, Vocation, Occupation, Line (too informal)... career is a stronger word, but you need to sacrifice it somewhere so you do not sound overly redundant. A paragraph is, by definition, a grouping of sentences that are all related to a topic. The topic is rarely implied and generally stated. So when you talk about where your career started in the first line of the second paragraph, that defines the paragraph as being the start of your career. However, you use the paragraph to outline your career as a whole. Nice transition or not, that is a mistake! If you add a line at the start, you can save it. "This has not been just a job to me, but rather a vocation, a calling, that I continue to learn and grow in." This still ties the two paragraphs together while changing the goal of the second paragraph from being about the start to the entirety of your career. It makes sure to highlight education and growth, which are strong in the following lines. The second to third paragraph junction could use a stronger transitional tie. Something about how this learning and growth is continuing, even in the face of different challenges as a working adult student who is also a parent. Something like that which both ties the prior and introduces the topics better. `I planned on staying an at home mom` huh? I planned on staying at home as a mom, or I planed on being a stay at home mom, or something else. As it is, it makes you stumble when you say it. That causes the reader to halt their flow of thought. Very a poorly done (for example) shows the same issue. `In the past year I was attending University of Phoenix, because I planned on staying an at home mom, but now that my children are a bit older and of school age, I decided to be active at a local campus without the big expense of an online school.` That is WAY too long for one sentence and it covers too many topics at once! `Patient care continues to be my passion as I have a bit of experience in the field.` This is where it seems to lead into a tumbling, rambling, mash of things. Remember, the paragraph must have a focus and that focus is the topic sentence. Other things, while interesting or useful, must be reshaped to meet the goal of the topic sentence, dropped, moved, or dictate a change in the topic sentence. Secret tips to writing: 1) Wait a day to review and revise. It lets the brain shift gears. 2) If you write in one font, say \(\rm{Times ~Roman}\), change it to a radically different font, \(\tt{like ~Courier}\), that will offset the type and flow. Then, while temporarily in this other font, do your review and editing. 3) Starting at the BOTTOM of your text, and working up, read each line aloud. This, again, breaks you out of the mind set you were in when you wrote things. It also forces you to examine the flow of each line as an individual thing. The sounds of your voice and speech cause added processing that lets you see if you have a comma, in the wrong place... a \(\cancel{\rm{bad}}\) poor choice of words, and so on. 4) Have someone of the opposite gender review your work. We tend to have a certain mind set that lets us make sense of what we know. The more we have a review from outside that mindset, the easier it is to expose misunderstandings that are caused by our internal logic and not the world's. Gender is a simple enough division to help expose this because studies show about a 20% difference in overall viewpoints between men and women.

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e.mccormick
  • e.mccormick
Hands down this is my favorite site on college level writing: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/ They have all the basic rules, the style guides, and most every tip or topic I have ever shared. All come with detailed examples. I go there, click General Writing \(\rightarrow\) Mechanics \(\rightarrow\) Transitions and Transitional Devices and there, in one short page, you have three examples of improved transitions. The details of the content remain the same, but the minor changes in transitional elements helps the flow of each example. On and on this sort of tip or rule built together with illustrations of how, why, and when to do them is an excellent formula for adding improvements to the writing skills of the student. Allows for browsing or searching for a specific topic, getting a well regarded answer from a top college, and presents this service for free. There is much to like in that.

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