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Tahmina

PLEASE HELP REVISE tHIS SHORT SHORT STORY

  • 6 months ago
  • 6 months ago

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  1. Tahmina
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    “Dr. Mason , you have a patient waiting” said the assistant. “Send him in” asserted Dr. Mason. Tom, the patient walks in with a wide grin on his face. Dr. Mason gave a weird first glance at Tom. Without further ado Dr. Mason stated” Welcome, Tom how are you?” May I help you Tom?” Tom replied “ Doc. thanks for asking,I'm very delightful but on the other hand i had an extraordinary days. Dr. Mason was compelled to say” What happened do tell mister tell? “Okay, so Doc. when I go to bed everyday, i start to go to “dream mode” everyday. And thats not the weird part.” After dreaming i start sleepwalking. As Tom goes on Dr. Mason scrutinizes the story closely. Tom continue to explain. He goes on saying ‘Dr. I had to endure a lot” I saw that my brother Jason as demon, pushed me into a well like whole underground. And I was sent/fell into a place adorned with chandeliers, red carpets and such a person can't afford. Right then I woke up. I had realized I was sent to the emperor. His name was Akhbar. His majesty sent me to fight the enemy dragon. I was speechless. It was enormous, ugly, smelly etc. It was impossible to fight it. He was ready to devour me . But luckily, I ran away when until i came across a lamp that had a genie. A genie popped up and said he’ll grant me 1 wish only. So as a wise man would do , I wished to return back into my normal world. Finally i had found my self back into my room laying on the bed texting my friends.” Dr. Mason was astonished to hear this.

    • 6 months ago
  2. Tahmina
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    @Ashleyisakitty @Compassionate @ganeshie8 @Mr.ClayLordMath @thomaster

    • 6 months ago
  3. Tahmina
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    hlp

    • 6 months ago
  4. Compassionate
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    I'll read it in a minute. Busy right now.

    • 6 months ago
  5. Tahmina
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    kk

    • 6 months ago
  6. raimj512
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    Okay, so in your first long paragraph, "Tom continue to explain" put "Tom continues.." that's the first grammar mistake. Instead of saying "sent/fell" just put fell since you're going down a well. "But luckily, I ran away when until i came across a lamp that had a genie" in this sentence, you need to capitalize the "I" and take out the "until" it's not necessary. That's all I see

    • 6 months ago
  7. Compassionate
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    >I'm very delightful Singular. You mean, "I am." - To be. >I am very delightful (ful?) >I am very delighted (Now that's more like it) ------------------------------------------------- > thanks for asking,I'm very delightful but on the other hand i had an extraordinary days. Thank (you) for asking, I (am) very delight(ed), (However), on the other hand, I had an extraordinary DAY(Not days). ------------------------------------------------- I could go on, but I have to go.

    • 6 months ago
  8. raimj512
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    Oh, I didn't even see that

    • 6 months ago
  9. Compassionate
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    >Dr. Mason was compelled to say” What happened do tell mister tell? Compelled, Doctor mason replied, "What happened; do tell! Mister, tell?"

    • 6 months ago
  10. Tahmina
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    fixed it compassionate

    • 6 months ago
  11. Tahmina
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    what are you tying compassionate?

    • 6 months ago
  12. Compassionate
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    >“Okay, so Doc. when I go to bed everyday, i start to go to “dream mode” everyday. And thats not the weird part.” After dreaming i start sleepwalking. As Tom goes on Dr. Mason scrutinizes the story closely. >"Okay(are we have?), Doc., (add a coma) when I go to bed everyday(you go to bed in the day? Lol.), I(capitalize) start to go to (to go to? Where are we going? I hope it's a theme park!) "dream mode" (You just used quotations inside of quotations) everyday(once again, we already know this happened "every day" why restate it?). And (Why are you starting sentences with "and".) thats(you mean that's?) not the weird part." After dreaming(add a COMMA!) I started sleepwalking. As(Why as? Why not just Tom) goes goes on Dr. Mason (OH no! Why is Tom ON Dr. Mason! I hope he's okay!) scrutinizes the story closely (He must know the story personally! LOL) ---------------------------------------------------------- Now, I'll fix your mistakes. Original Text > >“Okay, so Doc. when I go to bed everyday, i start to go to “dream mode” everyday. And thats not the weird part.” After dreaming i start sleepwalking. As Tom goes on Dr. Mason scrutinizes the story closely. Re-written >>"Alright, Doc., when I sleep each night, I go into 'dream-mode.' That's not the weird part. After dreaming I start sleepwalking." Tom goes on, Dr. Mason scrutinizes the story. I love it when you said >After dreaming I start sleepwalking As if you were implying you were aware you were sleepwalking, or conscious, and remembered your dreams. But, hey, it's your story.

    • 6 months ago
  13. Compassionate
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    I can pick apart your story more. You gave me the job to ruin your dreams.

    • 6 months ago
  14. Tahmina
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    i jst need to be more gramaatically corect and stuff

    • 6 months ago
  15. Compassionate
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    I'm trying to show you where you made your mistakes so you don't make them again.

    • 6 months ago
  16. Tahmina
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    ur helping me improve my writing skills thanks

    • 6 months ago
  17. Compassionate
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    >. Tom continue to explain. He goes on saying ‘Dr. I had to endure a lot” I saw that my brother Jason as demon, pushed me into a well like whole underground. And I was sent/fell into a place adorned with chandeliers, red carpets and such a person can't afford. Right then I woke up. I had realized I was sent to the emperor. His name was Akhbar. His majesty sent me to fight the enemy dragon. I was speechless. It was enormous, ugly, smelly etc. It was impossible to fight it. He was ready to devour me . But luckily, I ran away when until i came across a lamp that had a genie. A genie popped up and said he’ll grant me 1 wish only. So as a wise man would do , I wished to return back into my normal world. Finally i had found my self back into my room laying on the bed texting my friends.” Dr. Mason was astonished to hear this. CAPITAL words are CORRECTIONS Tom CONTINUED to explain. he goes on saying, "Dr., I had to endure a lot." I saw that my brother Jason WAS a demon. HE pushed me into a HOLE underground. I fell into a place adorned with chandeliers, red carpets, and BEAUTIES NO PERSON COULD AFFORD. Right then, I woke up. I had realize I was sent to the emperor. His name was Akhbar. His majesty sent me to fight AN enemy dragon. I was speechless. It was enormous, ugly, AND smelly. It was impossible to fight. He was ready to devour me. But luckily, I ran away until I came across a lamp that had a genie. A genie popped up and said he'll grant me ONE wish. So, as a wise man would do, I wished to return back to my world. Finally, I had found myself INSIDE my room, laying on the bed texting my friends." Dr. Mason was astonished to hear this.

    • 6 months ago
  18. Tahmina
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    is that no more editing?

    • 6 months ago
  19. Compassionate
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    I edited all your story. Piece it together. Are you American?

    • 6 months ago
  20. Tahmina
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    yes why?

    • 6 months ago
  21. Tahmina
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    how about u?

    • 6 months ago
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