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Tahmina

  • 2 years ago

plz hep with this very very short story revise and edit

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  1. Tahmina
    • 2 years ago
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    It was half an hour later when another patient named Jerry showed up at Dr. Mason’s cabin. “ Dr. Mason, you called me ? My name is Jerry “ he told. “Yes, Jerry you are my next patient, come on in I am ardent to help you out with your problem”told Dr. Mason. “Sit down and tell me Jerry what's wrong. Just ponder me as a friend.” “Okay I shall be regaled to begin.” tom ended. Dr. Mason’s radio starts playing a song called "I'll be missing you". Tom right at that spec of moment Jerry starts visualizing his mother’s and wife's tragic death. With that in mind, he starts puffing and huffing and put himself in a fit. Jerry tarts to procure a vase, boos, suitcase, etc and throws to throws them at Dr. Mason. Jaden the assistant, enthralled, hears the ruckus and chaos and decides to help Dr. Mason out. Jaden trips over something and falls into Dr. Mason’s arms.

  2. Tahmina
    • 2 years ago
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    @Falco276

  3. KattGirl14
    • 2 years ago
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    hmmm okay so it just needs edited? it looks just fine to me

  4. Tahmina
    • 2 years ago
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    i want the story to end by saying dr. mason and jaden fall in love

  5. KattGirl14
    • 2 years ago
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    so you need help with the ending?

  6. Tahmina
    • 2 years ago
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    yeah and making the story make sense and gramatically correct

  7. KattGirl14
    • 2 years ago
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    hmm okay im a little busy right now, but ill see what i can do

  8. Tahmina
    • 2 years ago
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    hy whaat grade are u in?

  9. KattGirl14
    • 2 years ago
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    im in 9th

  10. Tahmina
    • 2 years ago
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    me 2 honors 9

  11. KattGirl14
    • 2 years ago
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    cool :)

  12. KattGirl14
    • 2 years ago
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    okay, i would suggest adding in Jaden more at the beginning of the story, and make her act like she like dr. mason, so that way it makes a little more sense. but overall, i think its good :)

  13. Tahmina
    • 2 years ago
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    how would i end it

  14. Tahmina
    • 2 years ago
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    @Ashleyisakitty

  15. Tahmina
    • 2 years ago
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    @ganeshie8

  16. Tahmina
    • 2 years ago
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    @texaschic101 @help123please.

  17. Tahmina
    • 2 years ago
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    @Compassionate

  18. texaschic101
    • 2 years ago
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    I am not much of a writer, but I agree with KattGirl a little bit in the way that if the story is about Dr. Mason and Jaden falling in love, you are putting too much in there about Jerry and not enough about Jaden.

  19. Tahmina
    • 2 years ago
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    i have a part one where i talk about jaden

  20. texaschic101
    • 2 years ago
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    oh...well that makes a difference.

  21. Tahmina
    • 2 years ago
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    wat should i title it

  22. texaschic101
    • 2 years ago
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    Secret Love ?? lol

  23. Tahmina
    • 2 years ago
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    heres my story feel free editing https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_w3wOJUvmFuayiwDnkL3_90rgkt-yfqZnPxfdGzp1G8/edit

  24. Tahmina
    • 2 years ago
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    @help123please.

  25. Tahmina
    • 2 years ago
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    what do you think for title

  26. Compassionate
    • 2 years ago
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    It was half an hour later when another patient named Jerry showed up at Dr. Mason’s cabin. “ Dr. Mason, you called me ? My name is Jerry “ he told. “Yes, Jerry you are my next patient, come on in I am ardent to help you out with your problem”told Dr. Mason. “Sit down and tell me Jerry what's wrong. Just ponder me as a friend.” “Okay I shall be regaled to begin.” tom ended. Dr. Mason’s radio starts playing a song called "I'll be missing you". Tom right at that spec of moment Jerry starts visualizing his mother’s and wife's tragic death. With that in mind, he starts puffing and huffing and put himself in a fit. Jerry tarts to procure a vase, boos, suitcase, etc and throws to throws them at Dr. Mason. Jaden the assistant, enthralled, hears the ruckus and chaos and decides to help Dr. Mason out. Jaden trips over something and falls into Dr. Mason’s arms. _____________________________________________________________________________ >It was half an hour later when another patient named Jerry showed up at Dr. Mason's cabin (Good) >"Dr. Mason, you called me? My name is Jerry." SAID HE >"Yes, Jerry, you are my next patient. (PERIOD) Come on in, I am ardent to help you out with your problems." REPLIED DR. MASON. >Sit down, (Comma!) and tell me Jerry, (Comma!) what's wrong? (Question mark!) Just ponder me as a friend. (Ponder? That doesn't make sense. I suggest using a new word.) >"ALRIGHT (Never use 'okay') I WILL (Not SHALL) be regaled to begin." TOM REPLIED >Dr. Mason's radio STARTED playing a song called: "I'll be missing you." Tom, right at that MOMENT (No need for the 'spec'), Jerry starts visualizing his mother's and wife's tragic death. With his mind, he starts puffing and huffing and PUTS himself in a fit(Considering rearranging and changing some words "Puts himself in a fit." doesn't make much sense.) >JErry STARTS to produce a vase, boos, and suitcase (NEVER USE "ETC") and throws them at Dr. Mason. Jaden, (COMMA!) the assistant, enthralled, hears the ruckus and chaos, THEN (not AND) decides to help Dr. Mason.(Not need for the OUT) >Jaden trips over something and falls into Dr. Mason's arms. (This is correct.)

  27. Compassionate
    • 2 years ago
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    >The Adventures of Tom, Jerry, and Jaden How about: Jerry, Tom, and Jaden's Big Adventure

  28. Tahmina
    • 2 years ago
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    like it u have anything btter and i hav to use ponder it means to consider

  29. Tahmina
    • 2 years ago
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    hey guys i have to end the story but how?

  30. Tahmina
    • 2 years ago
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    i have to still use the worsd sheer and elicit

  31. Compassionate
    • 2 years ago
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    >Just ponder me as a friend Ehrm, that doesn't make sense, Tahmina. Ponder doesn't really mean 'to consider' >"He pondered about the mysteries of our universe." <- That makes sense. >"Just ponder about who you are - who I am, as a friend." <-- That make sense. >Just ponder me as friend <-- That does NOT make sense.

  32. Tahmina
    • 2 years ago
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    how shold i use it then in this sotry

  33. Tahmina
    • 2 years ago
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    synonyms: think about, contemplate, consider, i know it doesnt make sense but i have t put it in the story

  34. Tahmina
    • 2 years ago
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    ur right but i have no idea whrre to place it

  35. Compassionate
    • 2 years ago
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    Rephrase your sentence and use a sentence I suggested.

  36. Tahmina
    • 2 years ago
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    i use the second one but hoe cn i end he stry

  37. Tahmina
    • 2 years ago
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    @Compassionate ^^^^^^^^^^^^^

  38. Compassionate
    • 2 years ago
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    I haven't even read your story.

  39. Tahmina
    • 2 years ago
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    plz do

  40. Tahmina
    • 2 years ago
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    compassionate plz do read

  41. Tahmina
    • 2 years ago
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    @Compassionate ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

  42. Compassionate
    • 2 years ago
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    I can't now. I have to go. I already edited and told you what to do. End it how you want.

  43. Tahmina
    • 2 years ago
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    okay :)

  44. Tahmina
    • 2 years ago
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    thanks for all the help

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