anonymous
  • anonymous
plz hep with this very very short story revise and edit
English
chestercat
  • chestercat
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anonymous
  • anonymous
It was half an hour later when another patient named Jerry showed up at Dr. Mason’s cabin. “ Dr. Mason, you called me ? My name is Jerry “ he told. “Yes, Jerry you are my next patient, come on in I am ardent to help you out with your problem”told Dr. Mason. “Sit down and tell me Jerry what's wrong. Just ponder me as a friend.” “Okay I shall be regaled to begin.” tom ended. Dr. Mason’s radio starts playing a song called "I'll be missing you". Tom right at that spec of moment Jerry starts visualizing his mother’s and wife's tragic death. With that in mind, he starts puffing and huffing and put himself in a fit. Jerry tarts to procure a vase, boos, suitcase, etc and throws to throws them at Dr. Mason. Jaden the assistant, enthralled, hears the ruckus and chaos and decides to help Dr. Mason out. Jaden trips over something and falls into Dr. Mason’s arms.
anonymous
  • anonymous
@Falco276
anonymous
  • anonymous
hmmm okay so it just needs edited? it looks just fine to me

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anonymous
  • anonymous
i want the story to end by saying dr. mason and jaden fall in love
anonymous
  • anonymous
so you need help with the ending?
anonymous
  • anonymous
yeah and making the story make sense and gramatically correct
anonymous
  • anonymous
hmm okay im a little busy right now, but ill see what i can do
anonymous
  • anonymous
hy whaat grade are u in?
anonymous
  • anonymous
im in 9th
anonymous
  • anonymous
me 2 honors 9
anonymous
  • anonymous
cool :)
anonymous
  • anonymous
okay, i would suggest adding in Jaden more at the beginning of the story, and make her act like she like dr. mason, so that way it makes a little more sense. but overall, i think its good :)
anonymous
  • anonymous
how would i end it
anonymous
  • anonymous
@Ashleyisakitty
anonymous
  • anonymous
@ganeshie8
anonymous
  • anonymous
@texaschic101 @help123please.
anonymous
  • anonymous
@Compassionate
texaschic101
  • texaschic101
I am not much of a writer, but I agree with KattGirl a little bit in the way that if the story is about Dr. Mason and Jaden falling in love, you are putting too much in there about Jerry and not enough about Jaden.
anonymous
  • anonymous
i have a part one where i talk about jaden
texaschic101
  • texaschic101
oh...well that makes a difference.
anonymous
  • anonymous
wat should i title it
texaschic101
  • texaschic101
Secret Love ?? lol
anonymous
  • anonymous
heres my story feel free editing https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_w3wOJUvmFuayiwDnkL3_90rgkt-yfqZnPxfdGzp1G8/edit
anonymous
  • anonymous
@help123please.
anonymous
  • anonymous
what do you think for title
Compassionate
  • Compassionate
It was half an hour later when another patient named Jerry showed up at Dr. Mason’s cabin. “ Dr. Mason, you called me ? My name is Jerry “ he told. “Yes, Jerry you are my next patient, come on in I am ardent to help you out with your problem”told Dr. Mason. “Sit down and tell me Jerry what's wrong. Just ponder me as a friend.” “Okay I shall be regaled to begin.” tom ended. Dr. Mason’s radio starts playing a song called "I'll be missing you". Tom right at that spec of moment Jerry starts visualizing his mother’s and wife's tragic death. With that in mind, he starts puffing and huffing and put himself in a fit. Jerry tarts to procure a vase, boos, suitcase, etc and throws to throws them at Dr. Mason. Jaden the assistant, enthralled, hears the ruckus and chaos and decides to help Dr. Mason out. Jaden trips over something and falls into Dr. Mason’s arms. _____________________________________________________________________________ >It was half an hour later when another patient named Jerry showed up at Dr. Mason's cabin (Good) >"Dr. Mason, you called me? My name is Jerry." SAID HE >"Yes, Jerry, you are my next patient. (PERIOD) Come on in, I am ardent to help you out with your problems." REPLIED DR. MASON. >Sit down, (Comma!) and tell me Jerry, (Comma!) what's wrong? (Question mark!) Just ponder me as a friend. (Ponder? That doesn't make sense. I suggest using a new word.) >"ALRIGHT (Never use 'okay') I WILL (Not SHALL) be regaled to begin." TOM REPLIED >Dr. Mason's radio STARTED playing a song called: "I'll be missing you." Tom, right at that MOMENT (No need for the 'spec'), Jerry starts visualizing his mother's and wife's tragic death. With his mind, he starts puffing and huffing and PUTS himself in a fit(Considering rearranging and changing some words "Puts himself in a fit." doesn't make much sense.) >JErry STARTS to produce a vase, boos, and suitcase (NEVER USE "ETC") and throws them at Dr. Mason. Jaden, (COMMA!) the assistant, enthralled, hears the ruckus and chaos, THEN (not AND) decides to help Dr. Mason.(Not need for the OUT) >Jaden trips over something and falls into Dr. Mason's arms. (This is correct.)
Compassionate
  • Compassionate
>The Adventures of Tom, Jerry, and Jaden How about: Jerry, Tom, and Jaden's Big Adventure
anonymous
  • anonymous
like it u have anything btter and i hav to use ponder it means to consider
anonymous
  • anonymous
hey guys i have to end the story but how?
anonymous
  • anonymous
i have to still use the worsd sheer and elicit
Compassionate
  • Compassionate
>Just ponder me as a friend Ehrm, that doesn't make sense, Tahmina. Ponder doesn't really mean 'to consider' >"He pondered about the mysteries of our universe." <- That makes sense. >"Just ponder about who you are - who I am, as a friend." <-- That make sense. >Just ponder me as friend <-- That does NOT make sense.
anonymous
  • anonymous
how shold i use it then in this sotry
anonymous
  • anonymous
synonyms: think about, contemplate, consider, i know it doesnt make sense but i have t put it in the story
anonymous
  • anonymous
ur right but i have no idea whrre to place it
Compassionate
  • Compassionate
Rephrase your sentence and use a sentence I suggested.
anonymous
  • anonymous
i use the second one but hoe cn i end he stry
anonymous
  • anonymous
@Compassionate ^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Compassionate
  • Compassionate
I haven't even read your story.
anonymous
  • anonymous
plz do
anonymous
  • anonymous
compassionate plz do read
anonymous
  • anonymous
@Compassionate ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Compassionate
  • Compassionate
I can't now. I have to go. I already edited and told you what to do. End it how you want.
anonymous
  • anonymous
okay :)
anonymous
  • anonymous
thanks for all the help

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