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Here is the question The best way for a society to prepare its young people for leadership in government, industry, or other fields is by instilling in them a sense of cooperation, not competition. Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons or examples that could be used to challenge your position.
Essay I wrote: Here the author states that the best way for a society to prepare its young people for leadership in government, industry, or other fields is by instilling in them a sense of cooperation, not competition. I agree with this statement but with qualifications. Young people who will play important roles in government are required to work with people of different ages and beliefs. It's imperative to have a quality of cooperation for a functional government, here it's not about individual gains and prosperity but a larger goal of the upliftment and prosperity of the people and the society. There are instances where a fiat or a law is not promulgated because of personal vendetta among leaders, and the suffering or loss is beared by the general population. Day to day we are seeing launch of new gadgets such as mobile phones, tablets etc. These are only possible because large no. of people work together as a team. It’s indispensable for people employed in these companies to have a sense of unity and cooperation. At any stage of a new product design, there are numerous issues and people are required to work together, understand each other’s view points and come to a conclusion or a mitigation plan which is accepted by everyone. Here a sense of competition and mutual dislike would imperil the activity or stage. This specific example discusses about electronic design or product design industries but the qualities are required in every industry or workplace. A sense of cooperation is required for the functionality of government and industries but young people should also have a sense of competitiveness. It pushes them to reach new heights and innovate. Companies are in competition with each other and result is new and innovative products. This gives consumers more choices. However competition should be friendly and not cross the line of inappropriateness. So young people should be instilled with a sense of cooperation and friendly competition.
-Who is the author? -A bit more detail in the intro paragraph. Just a bit to give some background knowledge on the topic. A way to improve writing. Is I have been taught to write in this form Sentence one-topic sentence Sentence 2- detail Sentence 3-detail sentence 4- example Sentence 5-Closing sentence of paragraph. In your closing paragraph. I would add some more detail. Also don't forget to indent paragraphs! Closing paragraph- Sentence 1- Restate thesis in a slightly different way Sentence 2-Take a detail from paragraph 1 Sentence 3-take a detail from paragraph 2 Sentence 4-Take a detail from paragraph 3 Sentence 5-Sum up the essay in one sentence. 'Therefore' is a great way to start that last sentence. Thats all I am basically able to give you, the quality seems good, just a bit to it! :)
@karatechopper makes some excellent points regarding your paragraph structure. I might add that there are also grammar issues (mostly minor, but still will count against you) and it seems to lack a strong thesis statement that holds everything together. I would also like to add a bit about your overall structure and a missing element. I can see by what you posted prior to your essay that your teach is having you right a persuasive essay that includes a look at the counter argument: ". . . be sure to address the most compelling reasons or examples that could be used to challenge your position." This is a very common essay structure and it basically goes like this: 1. Introduction a) Hook or Attention Getter b) Roadmap c) Thesis Statement 2. Body a) Your strongest supporting argument supporting your opinion b) Your second strongest argument supporting your opinion c) The strongest opinion that refutes or is opposed to your opinion 3. Conclusion a) Summarize your talking points b) Make a compelling closing statement that leave the reader with a feeling that yopur opinion could be right. You will see this type of essay structure over and over and over again, especially in college. You have some really good supporting points, but are missing that counter point, or if it's in there it is unclear. If you rewrite with the structure I outlined, your essay would be much clearer and would conform to what your instructor is looking for. If you have any questions about the structure or anything else, please ask. If you want help with the grammar issues, attach a copy of your document in using the Attach File button below the reply box. It is much easier to address feedback in the original document that to try to post corrections on here.
@jagatuba Thanks for your insightful help, Actually I have to take a standard test GRE in particular, we are supposed to write an Essay in 30 minutes and it'd be treated as first draft. Yes I would like to see the grammatical corrections. Please correct in your spare time. Thanks a lot
@jagatuba Thank you so much for your suggestions and review. I really appreciate your help :)
I would have to write two essays in an hour. I'd keep in mind the stylistic and grammatical suggestions you gave. Thanks a lot @jagatuba