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The topic is comparing & contrasting Gender Roles in Society
here's the essay :
“Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything, better than you”, in ‘Annie Get Your Gun’ performed by Ethel Merman and Ray Middleton, is one of many examples of the constant battle of the sexes. In American society, the roles of men and the roles of women have always been fairly different, at times, much more different than others. A lot of history books and other resources will tell you about the difference of gender roles in the past. Women generally have had fewer rights than men throughout history. At one point in time, women weren’t allowed to vote. It was always just expected of the woman to do the household duties, such as cleaning and cooking, taking care of the children also. The women were what we call “stay at home mothers”. They weren’t expected to have jobs, and if they did, it was of a lower power than men, such as secretaries or waitresses. Women have been able to do more over time, and now, are about equal with men. Women have the same political rights as men, they’re allowed to have high paying jobs, and they aren’t expected to just watch the children and do housework anymore. In marriage, men were expected to rule over their wives. They always seemed to have a higher power over the women, because they were thought to be intelligent, determined, aggressive and the stronger gender. They had the better paying jobs, they had political rights, and they didn’t do much housework. Men respect women much more in today’s society. Men are still considered the dominant gender, but they allow women to have most of the same rights as them. Some men today do the duties of women in the past; they take care of children, and do housework. Gender roles in society have changed throughout the years, women are able to do more, and men don’t overrule the women. In today’s society, it’s common to hear about a stay at home dad, but in the past, that wasn’t common. Men usually did all the work outside of home, and made the money, while women did all the work at home. Now both genders do both duties, making living situations easier for most people in today’s society.
You have some good points and material here, but it lacks any type of structure that holds it together and keeps you on track. It seems as if you did not outline your essay before writing it. Here is what I mean: Paragraph two and three say essentially the exact same thing, and paragraph four is close to being right along the same lines as well. You stated that you left some information out; part of the reason you don't have room for that information is because you are repeating yourself. Each paragraph needs to be about it's own thing with a topic sentence that defines what that paragraph is about. When you stray from that topic sentence not only does the essay start to ramble, but you start talking about things that should really have their own paragraph. For example, in paragraph two your talk about: 1. Women's rights 2. Marriage roles 3. Job inequality Then in paragraph three you talk about: 1. Marriage roles 2. Job inequality again 3. Women's rights again In the fourth paragraph you do repeat some of the same themes as previously, which is okay if it is your conclusion, but if it is your conclusion then you want to be summarizing everything you have said. In this paragraph you mainly just talk about marital roles again. Actually, this paragraph is the most cohesive paragraph that you have. My suggestion would be to take the information that you have and go back to the drawing board. Start with an outline and a thesis statement that will keep you on track and that will remind you to talk about only one thing in each paragraph. you actually have three good points that you raise: marriage roles, women's rights, and job equality (or inequality, however you wish to look at it). Use these to start the basis of your outline. Below I will give you an outline template that you can use to create your outline. I will include information on each part of the outline, so pardon me if it gets a little verbose. your outline should roughly follow this structure: I. Introduction - A good introduction tells the reader what they are about to read and should contain the following elements a) Hook (you actually have a pretty good one with the line from Annie Get Your Gun) b) Road map - This is where you introduce your three points. This can be one sentence as long as you don't make it too long, but I prefer to break it up into one brief sentence for each point I will be making. Do not give details here, that is what your body is for. c) Thesis statement - This is the point that you are trying to make in your essay. It is important to have one because it will help to keep you on track. As you write you will be able to refer back to your thesis statement and ask yourself, "does what I just wrote relate with my thesis statement?" And if it doesn't you can delete it. This is one of the reasons that you felt like you were leaving things out. You did not have a solid thesis statement, so it felt like anything and everything should be in the essay. II. Body - This is where you tell the reader what you think. This is the meat of your essay and should ideally be three paragraphs, one for each of the points you introduced in the introduction. DO NOT ADD ANYMORE POINTS THAN WHAT YOU MENTIONED IN THE INTRO. I stress that because it is one of the biggest and most common writing errors that students make. Even though you might feel that you need to add something else because it is important, DON'T. If it was important enough it would have been one of your three original points and would have it's own paragraph. Leave it out. So, here is your three points outlined, all you need to do is add the proper information: a) First point - This is usually the point that you feel strongest about, but it doesn't have to be. Some writers save their strongest point for last, but that is up to you. Just remember that the points in your body should be in the same order as they were mentioned in your introduction. Here is what you need in your first-point paragraph: 1. Topic sentence: One sentence that the whole paragraph revolves around. Just as you shouldn't stray from your thesis statement thoughout your essay, do not stray from your topic sentence throughout your paragraph. 2. A few sentences that support your topic sentence. 3. The final sentence of your paragraph is called a transitional sentence and it's job is to set the reader up for what comes next. It also ties one paragraph to the next helping your reader to understand that how it all ties together with your thesis. Transitions can be difficult to come up with at times especially if your points are too broad or far flung. An example of a transitional sentence: let's say paragraph one is about women's rights and two is about job equality. A transitional sentence at the end of paragraph one might state: "After women gained the right to vote, their roles in the workplace began to change." Then you would start a new paragraph with a topic sentence on job equality. b) Second point 1. Topic sentence 2. Topic support 3. Transition c) Third point 1. Topic sentence 2. Topic support 3. No transition really needed as you will be starting your conclusion right after this. III. Conclusion - The conclusion is where you tell the reader what they just read and leave them with your final thoughts. Most conclusion have only two parts: a) Summary b) Closing statement Although that seems simple enough, the conclusion is usually the most challenging part of the paper. This is because you need to summarize in a way that is not directly repeating what you said. I think about it this way: Talk about the points you made in your body as they relate to your thesis statement. In other words, very briefly explain why those points were important. Then the closing statement is really tough. You want it to be something that will stick with the reader and challenge then to keep on thinking about the point your made even after they put your essay down. Don't worry too much about having that knock out conclusion though. It'll come with practice. Right now just worry about getting the main part of the essay in line. I hope this wasn't too much to digest for you. Let me know if you have any questions.
oh yeah, thank you so much! & i forgot to post the one where i took out some stuff because i realized it was all saying the same thing. sorry about that /: You just helped me sooo much (:
Good. I was hoping that I wasn't giving you too much for you to handle. Sometimes it's hard to tell what grade level a user is. It seemed by the subject matter that you are at a level where you can handle and process that much feedback. :) Glad I was right.
ok when im done with the essay , im going to post it . would you mind reading it ? (:
I won't be able to today, but post it and I'll read it tomorrow.
i may have to turn it in today , but i'll still post it tomorrow if i do.
Please do. Even if you already turned it in, you can still often get more detailed feedback here than a lot of instructors will give. they usually have a lot of papers to read and grade and usually don't have the time to tell you how you can improve your paper other than saying, "this is wrong . . . you need this here . . ." etc.
Sorry, forgot to post it. but here's how it turned out. Still not the best, but I think it's better than before.
“Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything, better than you”, in ‘Annie Get Your Gun’ performed by Ethel Merman and Ray Middleton, is one of many examples of the constant battle of the sexes. Throughout history, women didn’t always have political rights; men fulfilled the dominant role in most aspects of society. Gender roles in society have always had issues, and may never come to a perfect conclusion. Several years ago, things used to be different, women weren’t always treated equal. Women were considered a non-dominant gender; they hardly ever had a say in anything, definitely not when it came to politics. Women weren’t allowed to vote because to the men they were “too emotional” and they “couldn’t make rational decisions”. Women didn’t gain their political rights for several years; they had to go unheard and unspoken for a long while. Women generally had the short end of the stick, but when they gained the right to vote, things started changing, especially in the workplace. Women were ruled over in the workplace as well, because they weren’t seen as intelligent, or hard-working like the men. Men were considered the primary wage earners, because they had the higher paying jobs, and the women weren’t expected to have jobs. If a woman did have a job, it was of a supporting position, such as nursing, waitressing, secretaries, and teaching. Women weren’t required to have jobs because they did the at-home work, such as cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the children. The workplace was not the only place where change started occurring. In marriage, men were expected to rule over their wives. Men weren’t expected to do much, except work, and do the hard labor outside of the house. Women were considered the caretakers and homemakers; men just went to work, made money, came home, and sometimes helped out. It was uncommon to see a man taking care of children, or cleaning in these times. Divorce for women was looked down upon for women, although it was okay for the men. Like women when it came to having a job, the men weren’t expected of much in marriage, and like the men in the workplace, women were expected to do the tough things. All in all, men and women both had to do a lot of work, whether it was at home, or at the office. Women can have be more than just nurses, they can be doctors; men don’t have to do all the work today. Women gained voting rights, so that isn’t an issue anymore, and they’re now considered equal to the men. Also, in marriages today, men take care of children, cook, and clean. Gender roles in society have progressed throughout history.
WOW! 100% improvement. See what outlining and then focusing on you thesis does. Your essay is much clearer now. Points are not being repeated. Each paragraph has it's own single topic. It's much easier to read and by the time I get to the end I feel like I get your point. There were a few grammar issues, but nothing major. I'd be interested to know your final grade. Good job!
Thank you for your help & support ! I believe my final grade was an 88