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Liindzeyy Group Title

writing a book what do you think? chapter 1: As I approached my home that summer night in Tanzania I was surprised at the strength of the wind. It blew through the trees so gently, making them sway as though they were dancing to an unheard melody. The cold wind sent chills down my spine, causing me to shiver but I found it almost alluring. It would have been if the sky had been the same cherry red it had been that morning, but the darkening sky suggested a storm was coming. Almost there," I said to myself. I looked to the horizon and saw the rain beginning to fall, lightning cracking through the clouds before a gray shape appeared. The sky went perfectly still, even the clouds refusing to go about their business. I saw IT. White lights almost blinded me, and a strange force pulled me forward, towards the light that came from the Unknown As I stared at the light I became hypnotize by the fact that it was not transparent. "Come closer" a mysterious voice said , "who said that" I shouted anxiously "Come closer" it had repeated refusing to answer my question. "umm no I don't think I should..." I said as I head the other direction hoping the stranger would go away "we can't let you get away this time" in a more freighting voice. Immediately I fell on the ground "get up Lynn, get up" I said to myself while I tried to use my arms to support my body but it was futile. I was unable to control my body suddenly I was being dragged closer to the light. "Help help" I screamed hoping someone would come to my aide when no one came I knew I was in danger.

  • 10 months ago
  • 10 months ago

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  1. dccollins Group Title
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    It was great just needs to be a little bit longer.

    • 10 months ago
  2. Ghostgate Group Title
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    It was awesome just make sure to make these improvements: (Also what does Alluring mean?) 1. "The sky went perfectly still," Change it to: "The sky became perfectly still". 2. "I saw IT. White lights almost blinded me, and a strange force pulled me forward, towards the light that came from the Unknown " Change it to: "As I continued to walk to my house I saw white lights that almost blinded me. A strange force pulled me towards the light, that came from the unknown." 3. "As I stared at the light I became hypnotize by the fact that it was not transparent." Change "hypnotize" to "hypnotized". Also I don't get the fact that when you stared at the light you became hypnotized because the light wasn't transparent. That part doesn't make sense. 4. Make sure to have grammar especially at this part: "who said that" I shouted anxiously" Make sure to capitalize the first letter of the first wood even in quotations. 5. "we can't let you get away this time" in a more freighting voice. Okay no offense, but this is pretty crappy. First of all capitalize the "W" in "we" and its frightening not freighting. Also You should rephrase that last part to: in a scary/deeper/darker voice. But frightening works too. 6. "I tried to use my arms to support my body but it was futile. I was unable to control my body" this part doesn't make sense. You try to use your arms to support your body, but than soon afterwards your unable to control your body. What causes that? 7. hoping someone would come to my aide when no one came I knew I was in danger. Okay here its aid not aide. aide is more of a helper and aid is assistance or someone to assist you. Also you need to rephrase this part to: "hoping someone would come to my aid, but when no one came I knew I was in danger." All I added was ", but". Hope this helps! G'day. I just wanted to point out these things cause you need to know the truth of or from your mistakes in order to learn and prevent doing them in the future. Anyways, G'day!

    • 10 months ago
  3. Lainey68 Group Title
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    As I approached my home that summer night in Tanzania I was surprised at the strength of the wind. It blew through the trees so gently, making them sway as though they were dancing to an unheard melody. < I would change this just a bit because strength implies forceful so you can't follow it up with gentle: As I approached my home that summer night in Tanzania I was surprise at the strength of the wind. It blew threw the trees viciously, making them sway like they were dancing to an unfamiliar melody. (just a suggestion...if you like it use it. I'm writing a series myself. Have fun with it. I love writing)

    • 10 months ago
  4. Lainey68 Group Title
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    The phase: "dancing to an unfamiliar melody" would make the next paragraph stronger because then you go into description of why the trees where dancing in an unfamiliar way.

    • 10 months ago
  5. Lainey68 Group Title
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    Addition to #4 add a ? after "Who said that?" I shouted anxiously.

    • 10 months ago
  6. Lainey68 Group Title
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    Ghostgate is right whenever you have something in quotations use a Capital letter and just for a future reference if you are going to be using ellipsis's you don't ever use a capital after the ellipsis unless the sentence starts with "I"

    • 10 months ago
  7. Lainey68 Group Title
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    As for #6 restructure it. Like Ghostgate said you have to give an explanation as to why you couldn't move and then why you could or just cut the last part about being able to move.

    • 10 months ago
  8. Lainey68 Group Title
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    Almost there," I said to myself. I looked to the horizon and saw the rain beginning to fall, lightning cracking through the clouds. <The lighting blinded me momentarily and as my eyesight returned I could see before me, a gray shape with no real definition or outline.> <Then the sky went perfectly still, even the clouds refusing to go about their business.> I saw IT. (<-- describe what "IT" is. Give it a form or a shape. This is where you explain how it took shape) White lights(<-- here you used a plural form) almost blinded me, and a strange force pulled me forward, towards the light (<--Here you used a singular form. So you have to decided are there lights or just one light) that came from the Unknown

    • 10 months ago
  9. Lainey68 Group Title
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    Opps and put quotes before "Almost there,"

    • 10 months ago
  10. Lainey68 Group Title
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    I regularly attend an author's workshop at Barnes and Nobel ever Thursday night.

    • 10 months ago
  11. Lainey68 Group Title
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    I'll help you as much as I can if you'd like? feel free to hit me up PM if you want.

    • 10 months ago
  12. Liindzeyy Group Title
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    @Ghostgate & @Lainey68 thank you guys so much for all of this i'm going to take all of this into consideration , and do a bit of re writing thank again.

    • 10 months ago
  13. severus4ever Group Title
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    If you want to go more into depth or something,I can also help you write,just PM if you like the idea

    • 10 months ago
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