In no fewer than three sentences, critique the following paragraph. Explain where it could be improved. Then, in your own words, rewrite the paragraph to make its writing stronger. Make sure you include a hook, supporting evidence, and a topic sentence. Use correct spelling and grammar.
Learning to swim is one of my happiest childhood memories. The beach offers more than a place to develop strong swimming skills. There are many things to do at the beach. It is unfortunate that so many people spend every day indoors. More people should take time to visit their local beaches.
Stacey Warren - Expert brainly.com
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I am glad I learned to swim at the beach.
The sentence "there are many things to do at the beach" is too vague. Instead, try something like "The beach is an incredible place to go in your free time due to the abundance of activities you can participate in". Try to avoid the word "things" and use powerful words to describe what you want to say. Diction is a key factor in writing. And for the last two sentences try to use more description. Maybe try "It is a shame that the majority of people waste limitless time indoors when they could be visiting their local beach and having a blast". You should also explain that the beach of healthy for you and you can get exercise as well as vitamin D to prove your point that people should go to the beach.
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The 3rd sentence, "there are many things to do at the beach is really vague". Secondly the paragraph or excerpt seems very long, please try to decrease it by adding more punctuation s and combining sentences. Please avoid words like "things", "more" and "learning". Below, is how I will write it if I were to.
"People are unfortunate that they spend their time indoor instead at the beach where they should be having fun while you are also developing swimming skills."
Does that seem a little reduced and more appropriate?