kmullis6 one year ago Does my essay sound okay?

1. kmullis6

I kind of had to wing it because I wasn't really sure where to go with this topic, with the speeches given. I'm mostly worried about the first body paragraph, because I feel it jumps right into rape, abuse, molestation. However, I didn't want to leave it with just the less money than men topic.

2. Whitemonsterbunny17

I think you did a great job here, you used good supports for your topic, chose words that make sense and intrigue the reader, and overall, you used correct grammar and punctuation. I think it looks and sounds great! $$\Large\bf\color{blueviolet}{\bigstar~Great~Work!~\bigstar}$$

3. kmullis6

Thank you so much!! @Whitemonsterbunny17

4. anonymous

you know this is the problem of all over the world . But you know fears are stories that we tell ourselves. Everything in this world is temporary . Be the change you want to see. And your essay is superb , your feelings and vibes hit me , you write through your heat . STAY BLESSED & SPREAD POSITIVITY .

5. Whitemonsterbunny17

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6. anonymous

“Everyone has fear, and all have different fears.” This sentence is missing something I think a word like We would help so change it to “Everyone has fear, and we all have different fears.” “However, until someone really thinks about the differences in opposite genders, it isn’t given much thought.” This sentence is kind of awkward I fixed it up a bit feel free to change it in other ways. However, until someone truly considers the differences in genders, fear hasn’t been given much thought. Im not quite sure if this is what you were trying to say or not but if you were trying to say something different you should at least know what to change. If not just ask and I will try to explain it better. You say fear a lot use synonyms “Every person’s fears are different, but there is some difference in which gender fears certain things or situations.” This is another awkward phrase. “No one person has the same fear, but there is some difference in which gender fears effect certain situations.” The first part needed changed you can do that however you want. Between fears and certain I added effect I feel like its missing a word there, my best guess was effect. Never use the word things. Put something in its place or take it out entirely. Differences is said too often Your intro is listing. Make your intro bigger add in some fluff. Do not list. This is a better form of listing because its not thing, thing, thing however its still listing. Fluff will help I feel like in the intro im just being spun in a circle over and over its very repetitive. This is all I got done but then you closed the question so I was like ehhh I don’t know if she still needs help. If you want me to finish just let me know I would be more than happy to! You have talent! No writer is perfect and it will take a million copies before you finally find the perfect essay. Please keep writing don’t let any of my critics discourage because you are an awesome writer and have so much potential!