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I'm not much of a rap person, so I don't really know how to give you any feedback about it. Sorry about that. @brebre5564
Rap is somewhat a manipulation of the ascending and descending motion of the verbal language.
It is of vital importance that it follows a rythm (I cannot figure out what type of rhyme you thought for this rap, without proper notation), of course, the words are set strategically taking their phonetics and linguistic structure as an advantage to form a "rap".
The "freestyle" is an improvisation, but you can't improvise out of the blue, you HAVE to follow a logical structure, else you are just spitting out words randomly.
Your rap lyrics have a good arrangement, but they lack structure and pattern (and it's hard for me to imagine the rythm established for this), else they would function good.
I can't stress the whole "structure and pattern" enough, because that is the very essence in music and it is very human (the crowd you are directing it to), and this is very often left behind, as an example, listen to "stronger" from kanye west.