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Babynini

  • one year ago

Anyone able to check if this Sonata I wrote is Iambic? :)

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  1. UsukiDoll
    • one year ago
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    I don't possess that type of knowledge. sorry.

  2. Babynini
    • one year ago
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    Thanks anyway!

  3. Babynini
    • one year ago
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    @SolomonZelman

  4. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    I guess the best will be to post it, and you will get more opinions on it. When I have time, if I do, I can certainly take a look at it, despite that English is my 3rd language (if not 4th). I don't think that English Poetry is my best, but can take a shot. Once again, i am not a professional at this at all, and once again it would be better to just post it.

  5. Babynini
    • one year ago
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    If, Then I see you, intricate, soft joy, laughter in your gaze, though thorns adorn your next breath. You see only marrings, you their crafter unsure of your place in this dance with death. I have watched you, struggling to endure strong; Pressure from around, pressure from within. You have forgotten now how you belong If this darkness chose you, or you this sin Single black rose thrown, placed, into fire After opening yourself to the world. Now, bright, blooming slowly in your new hour The same rose -- reborn -- stolen to be hurled Then we quietly draw near ones we killed Wondering how their new hearts were then stilled.

  6. Babynini
    • one year ago
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    ^ That's it, thank you for taking the time to look at it!

  7. Babynini
    • one year ago
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    I realize some parts are not iambic I just need help rearranging or finding new words. @myininaya @paki @dan815 ? :)

  8. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    I can't think how to substitute for Pressure, for example.... (I was never good at poetry, just trying my best to help)

  9. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    \(\tt \color{red}{Pre}\)sure

  10. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    maybe: the pressure

  11. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    twice in that line, the pressure. (this is 1 thing, as far as I can understand)

  12. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    I am really not good at it, I don't want to mislead you. Apologize....

  13. Babynini
    • one year ago
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    It's ok! The only thing there is that each line must only be 10 syllables.

  14. Babynini
    • one year ago
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    Would it work to switch it to "The pressure around, the pressure within" ? maybe?

  15. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    doesn't sound that liric to me-:(

  16. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    The pressure from around and within. ^ ^ would sound good but it is 9 syllables

  17. Babynini
    • one year ago
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    oo that sounds nice. Hm where could we add a syllable? o.o

  18. Babynini
    • one year ago
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    Constant pressure from around and within?

  19. Babynini
    • one year ago
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    Is that still Iambic?

  20. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    Doesn't sound so great what I am going to propse this time, but perhaps(?): Severe pressure from around and within. (and it is iambic)

  21. Babynini
    • one year ago
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    oo but it's more of a heavy pressure, not severe or sharp.

  22. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    yeah that is why i don't like it...

  23. Babynini
    • one year ago
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    gah haha but it was good! There just has to be a better word xD

  24. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    \\ `we need to syllables here` // pressure from around and within that is the task

  25. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    just posting for myself

  26. Babynini
    • one year ago
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    right right.

  27. Babynini
    • one year ago
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    awful ?

  28. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    Almighty pressure from around and within. ?

  29. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    but almighty, at least to me, has a connotation of being ll powerful and able, and not as much as an indicator of an extent of something.

  30. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    being *all* powerful ...

  31. Babynini
    • one year ago
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    right..not the word :/

  32. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    Unreal pressure from aroung and within. (maybe?)

  33. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    around*

  34. Babynini
    • one year ago
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    better!!

  35. Babynini
    • one year ago
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    surreal?

  36. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    Yeah that too.... fancier word. Sur at the beginning I am pretty sure it is unstressed syllable

  37. Babynini
    • one year ago
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    yayy :)

  38. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    REPOSTING IT: --------------------- I see you, intricate, soft joy, laughter in your gaze, though thorns adorn your next breath. You see only marrings, you their crafter unsure of your place in this dance with death. I have watched you, struggling to endure strong; Pressure from around, pressure from within. You have forgotten now how you belong If this darkness chose you, or you this sin Single black rose thrown, placed, into fire After opening yourself to the world. Now, bright, blooming slowly in your new hour The same rose -- reborn -- stolen to be hurled Then we quietly draw near ones we killed Wondering how their new hearts were then stilled. ------------------- If this darkness .... i think this is not iambic

  39. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    wait, if THIS ...

  40. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    yeah it is iambic, nvm....

  41. Babynini
    • one year ago
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    is it all good? o.0

  42. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    i was replying to a math question.... apologize

  43. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    i think everything is good now as far as iambic goes (i didn't calculate the 10 syllables part in each line tho)

  44. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    but, the last line tho', only, a far as I can see, starts from a stressed syllable

  45. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    \(\rm \bcancel{\cancel{wonDERing}}\)

  46. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    But, \(\rm \underline{w{\tiny~}o{\tiny~}n}{\tiny~~}d{\tiny~}e{\tiny~}r{\tiny~}i{\tiny~}n{\tiny~}g\)

  47. Babynini
    • one year ago
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    So should I switch that word?

  48. Babynini
    • one year ago
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    What might fit there? (sorry my pc got stuck :/)

  49. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    and wondered how their hearts have stilled idk, like that maybe?

  50. Babynini
    • one year ago
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    err is that missing a syllable?

  51. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    why?

  52. Babynini
    • one year ago
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    and wondered how their new hearts were then stilled.

  53. Babynini
    • one year ago
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    does that work?

  54. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    I am getting mixed up with the way i count syllbales in Russian... sorry

  55. Babynini
    • one year ago
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    that's ok :)

  56. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    and = 1 (total: 1) wondered = 2 (total: 3) how = 3 (total: 6) their = 1 new = 1 hearts =1 were =1 then =1 stilled = 1 (total: 12)

  57. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    oh, wait

  58. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    xD how=3, my brain is off

  59. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    it is 10

  60. SolomonZelman
    • one year ago
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    yes that should work

  61. Babynini
    • one year ago
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    hahah xD yay!! thank you so much. Is that all? :)

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