## Babynini one year ago Anyone able to check if this Sonata I wrote is Iambic? :)

1. UsukiDoll

I don't possess that type of knowledge. sorry.

2. Babynini

Thanks anyway!

3. Babynini

@SolomonZelman

4. SolomonZelman

I guess the best will be to post it, and you will get more opinions on it. When I have time, if I do, I can certainly take a look at it, despite that English is my 3rd language (if not 4th). I don't think that English Poetry is my best, but can take a shot. Once again, i am not a professional at this at all, and once again it would be better to just post it.

5. Babynini

If, Then I see you, intricate, soft joy, laughter in your gaze, though thorns adorn your next breath. You see only marrings, you their crafter unsure of your place in this dance with death. I have watched you, struggling to endure strong; Pressure from around, pressure from within. You have forgotten now how you belong If this darkness chose you, or you this sin Single black rose thrown, placed, into fire After opening yourself to the world. Now, bright, blooming slowly in your new hour The same rose -- reborn -- stolen to be hurled Then we quietly draw near ones we killed Wondering how their new hearts were then stilled.

6. Babynini

^ That's it, thank you for taking the time to look at it!

7. Babynini

I realize some parts are not iambic I just need help rearranging or finding new words. @myininaya @paki @dan815 ? :)

8. SolomonZelman

I can't think how to substitute for Pressure, for example.... (I was never good at poetry, just trying my best to help)

9. SolomonZelman

$$\tt \color{red}{Pre}$$sure

10. SolomonZelman

maybe: the pressure

11. SolomonZelman

twice in that line, the pressure. (this is 1 thing, as far as I can understand)

12. SolomonZelman

I am really not good at it, I don't want to mislead you. Apologize....

13. Babynini

It's ok! The only thing there is that each line must only be 10 syllables.

14. Babynini

Would it work to switch it to "The pressure around, the pressure within" ? maybe?

15. SolomonZelman

doesn't sound that liric to me-:(

16. SolomonZelman

The pressure from around and within. ^ ^ would sound good but it is 9 syllables

17. Babynini

oo that sounds nice. Hm where could we add a syllable? o.o

18. Babynini

Constant pressure from around and within?

19. Babynini

Is that still Iambic?

20. SolomonZelman

Doesn't sound so great what I am going to propse this time, but perhaps(?): Severe pressure from around and within. (and it is iambic)

21. Babynini

oo but it's more of a heavy pressure, not severe or sharp.

22. SolomonZelman

yeah that is why i don't like it...

23. Babynini

gah haha but it was good! There just has to be a better word xD

24. SolomonZelman

\\ we need to syllables here // pressure from around and within that is the task

25. SolomonZelman

just posting for myself

26. Babynini

right right.

27. Babynini

awful ?

28. SolomonZelman

Almighty pressure from around and within. ?

29. SolomonZelman

but almighty, at least to me, has a connotation of being ll powerful and able, and not as much as an indicator of an extent of something.

30. SolomonZelman

being *all* powerful ...

31. Babynini

right..not the word :/

32. SolomonZelman

Unreal pressure from aroung and within. (maybe?)

33. SolomonZelman

around*

34. Babynini

better!!

35. Babynini

surreal?

36. SolomonZelman

Yeah that too.... fancier word. Sur at the beginning I am pretty sure it is unstressed syllable

37. Babynini

yayy :)

38. SolomonZelman

REPOSTING IT: --------------------- I see you, intricate, soft joy, laughter in your gaze, though thorns adorn your next breath. You see only marrings, you their crafter unsure of your place in this dance with death. I have watched you, struggling to endure strong; Pressure from around, pressure from within. You have forgotten now how you belong If this darkness chose you, or you this sin Single black rose thrown, placed, into fire After opening yourself to the world. Now, bright, blooming slowly in your new hour The same rose -- reborn -- stolen to be hurled Then we quietly draw near ones we killed Wondering how their new hearts were then stilled. ------------------- If this darkness .... i think this is not iambic

39. SolomonZelman

wait, if THIS ...

40. SolomonZelman

yeah it is iambic, nvm....

41. Babynini

is it all good? o.0

42. SolomonZelman

i was replying to a math question.... apologize

43. SolomonZelman

i think everything is good now as far as iambic goes (i didn't calculate the 10 syllables part in each line tho)

44. SolomonZelman

but, the last line tho', only, a far as I can see, starts from a stressed syllable

45. SolomonZelman

$$\rm \bcancel{\cancel{wonDERing}}$$

46. SolomonZelman

But, $$\rm \underline{w{\tiny~}o{\tiny~}n}{\tiny~~}d{\tiny~}e{\tiny~}r{\tiny~}i{\tiny~}n{\tiny~}g$$

47. Babynini

So should I switch that word?

48. Babynini

What might fit there? (sorry my pc got stuck :/)

49. SolomonZelman

and wondered how their hearts have stilled idk, like that maybe?

50. Babynini

err is that missing a syllable?

51. SolomonZelman

why?

52. Babynini

and wondered how their new hearts were then stilled.

53. Babynini

does that work?

54. SolomonZelman

I am getting mixed up with the way i count syllbales in Russian... sorry

55. Babynini

that's ok :)

56. SolomonZelman

and = 1 (total: 1) wondered = 2 (total: 3) how = 3 (total: 6) their = 1 new = 1 hearts =1 were =1 then =1 stilled = 1 (total: 12)

57. SolomonZelman

oh, wait

58. SolomonZelman

xD how=3, my brain is off

59. SolomonZelman

it is 10

60. SolomonZelman

yes that should work

61. Babynini

hahah xD yay!! thank you so much. Is that all? :)