Babynini
  • Babynini
Anyone able to check if this Sonata I wrote is Iambic? :)
Writing
  • Stacey Warren - Expert brainly.com
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SOLVED
At vero eos et accusamus et iusto odio dignissimos ducimus qui blanditiis praesentium voluptatum deleniti atque corrupti quos dolores et quas molestias excepturi sint occaecati cupiditate non provident, similique sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollitia animi, id est laborum et dolorum fuga. Et harum quidem rerum facilis est et expedita distinctio. Nam libero tempore, cum soluta nobis est eligendi optio cumque nihil impedit quo minus id quod maxime placeat facere possimus, omnis voluptas assumenda est, omnis dolor repellendus. Itaque earum rerum hic tenetur a sapiente delectus, ut aut reiciendis voluptatibus maiores alias consequatur aut perferendis doloribus asperiores repellat.
katieb
  • katieb
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UsukiDoll
  • UsukiDoll
I don't possess that type of knowledge. sorry.
Babynini
  • Babynini
Thanks anyway!
Babynini
  • Babynini
@SolomonZelman

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SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
I guess the best will be to post it, and you will get more opinions on it. When I have time, if I do, I can certainly take a look at it, despite that English is my 3rd language (if not 4th). I don't think that English Poetry is my best, but can take a shot. Once again, i am not a professional at this at all, and once again it would be better to just post it.
Babynini
  • Babynini
If, Then I see you, intricate, soft joy, laughter in your gaze, though thorns adorn your next breath. You see only marrings, you their crafter unsure of your place in this dance with death. I have watched you, struggling to endure strong; Pressure from around, pressure from within. You have forgotten now how you belong If this darkness chose you, or you this sin Single black rose thrown, placed, into fire After opening yourself to the world. Now, bright, blooming slowly in your new hour The same rose -- reborn -- stolen to be hurled Then we quietly draw near ones we killed Wondering how their new hearts were then stilled.
Babynini
  • Babynini
^ That's it, thank you for taking the time to look at it!
Babynini
  • Babynini
I realize some parts are not iambic I just need help rearranging or finding new words. @myininaya @paki @dan815 ? :)
SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
I can't think how to substitute for Pressure, for example.... (I was never good at poetry, just trying my best to help)
SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
\(\tt \color{red}{Pre}\)sure
SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
maybe: the pressure
SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
twice in that line, the pressure. (this is 1 thing, as far as I can understand)
SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
I am really not good at it, I don't want to mislead you. Apologize....
Babynini
  • Babynini
It's ok! The only thing there is that each line must only be 10 syllables.
Babynini
  • Babynini
Would it work to switch it to "The pressure around, the pressure within" ? maybe?
SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
doesn't sound that liric to me-:(
SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
The pressure from around and within. ^ ^ would sound good but it is 9 syllables
Babynini
  • Babynini
oo that sounds nice. Hm where could we add a syllable? o.o
Babynini
  • Babynini
Constant pressure from around and within?
Babynini
  • Babynini
Is that still Iambic?
SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
Doesn't sound so great what I am going to propse this time, but perhaps(?): Severe pressure from around and within. (and it is iambic)
Babynini
  • Babynini
oo but it's more of a heavy pressure, not severe or sharp.
SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
yeah that is why i don't like it...
Babynini
  • Babynini
gah haha but it was good! There just has to be a better word xD
SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
\\ `we need to syllables here` // pressure from around and within that is the task
SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
just posting for myself
Babynini
  • Babynini
right right.
Babynini
  • Babynini
awful ?
SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
Almighty pressure from around and within. ?
SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
but almighty, at least to me, has a connotation of being ll powerful and able, and not as much as an indicator of an extent of something.
SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
being *all* powerful ...
Babynini
  • Babynini
right..not the word :/
SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
Unreal pressure from aroung and within. (maybe?)
SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
around*
Babynini
  • Babynini
better!!
Babynini
  • Babynini
surreal?
SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
Yeah that too.... fancier word. Sur at the beginning I am pretty sure it is unstressed syllable
Babynini
  • Babynini
yayy :)
SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
REPOSTING IT: --------------------- I see you, intricate, soft joy, laughter in your gaze, though thorns adorn your next breath. You see only marrings, you their crafter unsure of your place in this dance with death. I have watched you, struggling to endure strong; Pressure from around, pressure from within. You have forgotten now how you belong If this darkness chose you, or you this sin Single black rose thrown, placed, into fire After opening yourself to the world. Now, bright, blooming slowly in your new hour The same rose -- reborn -- stolen to be hurled Then we quietly draw near ones we killed Wondering how their new hearts were then stilled. ------------------- If this darkness .... i think this is not iambic
SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
wait, if THIS ...
SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
yeah it is iambic, nvm....
Babynini
  • Babynini
is it all good? o.0
SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
i was replying to a math question.... apologize
SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
i think everything is good now as far as iambic goes (i didn't calculate the 10 syllables part in each line tho)
SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
but, the last line tho', only, a far as I can see, starts from a stressed syllable
SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
\(\rm \bcancel{\cancel{wonDERing}}\)
SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
But, \(\rm \underline{w{\tiny~}o{\tiny~}n}{\tiny~~}d{\tiny~}e{\tiny~}r{\tiny~}i{\tiny~}n{\tiny~}g\)
Babynini
  • Babynini
So should I switch that word?
Babynini
  • Babynini
What might fit there? (sorry my pc got stuck :/)
SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
and wondered how their hearts have stilled idk, like that maybe?
Babynini
  • Babynini
err is that missing a syllable?
SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
why?
Babynini
  • Babynini
and wondered how their new hearts were then stilled.
Babynini
  • Babynini
does that work?
SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
I am getting mixed up with the way i count syllbales in Russian... sorry
Babynini
  • Babynini
that's ok :)
SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
and = 1 (total: 1) wondered = 2 (total: 3) how = 3 (total: 6) their = 1 new = 1 hearts =1 were =1 then =1 stilled = 1 (total: 12)
SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
oh, wait
SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
xD how=3, my brain is off
SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
it is 10
SolomonZelman
  • SolomonZelman
yes that should work
Babynini
  • Babynini
hahah xD yay!! thank you so much. Is that all? :)

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