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anonymous

  • one year ago

At two 2 a.m. laid a mother Over her, the doctor hovered Out of the womb he brought her A newborn baby daughter And the the woman said I dont want her anymore Shes not the one im looking for If only that boy of Friday night would have treated me right We wouldnt be in this situation Doctor just give me my medication And ill be out of your hair She left her in the Doctors arms But she just didnt care So this little girl grew up not know what to think She thought if her own mom didnt want her than she she couldn't be worth anything. She sat in that orphanage until she was 14

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  1. anonymous
    • one year ago
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    Teenagers are hardly ever wanted least likely to be adopted then one day she was taken with a family who said they'd love her but she didnt believe no more could she be niave she didnt believe that she could love Psh, forget that, she didnt believe that she could be loved

  2. anonymous
    • one year ago
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    But mama i just want to say, i forgive you anyway Even though you threw me away, i think about you everyday And i know youll never read this, but i had to get it off my chest Someday we might meet in the sky In the clouds we'll reunite

  3. anonymous
    • one year ago
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    ~tears in eyes~ Wonderful!

  4. rock_mit182
    • one year ago
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    :/:)

  5. anonymous
    • one year ago
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    Lovely poem as usual, but I see a few things that could possibly be corrected. (Might be a bit long since I'm using your poem layout) "*If only that boy of Friday night would have treated me right We wouldn't be in this situation*" doesn't really mix well. Poems usually have a rhythm that shouldn't have cuts to it. "And the the woman said I don't want her anymore She's not the one I'm looking for If only that boy of Friday night would have treated me right We wouldn't be in this situation Doctor just give me my medication And I'll be out of your hair She left her in the Doctor's arms But she just didn't care" If you read that bit aloud, it sounds a little wonky, especially the "if only that boy of Friday night would have treated me right" part. You should split it into two stanzas instead, it would be preferable. Example: "And the the woman said I don't want her anymore She's not the one I'm looking for If only that boy of Friday night Would have loved me and treated me right We wouldn't be in this situation Doctor just give me my medication And I'll be out of your hair She left her in the Doctor's arms But she just didn't care" (I know you might be implying that something else happened to the mother, I'm just using an example, haha) It sounds better now - it's less lengthy and choppy. There's also one more part I'd like to point out, though. "So this little girl grew up not know what to think She thought if her own mom didn't want her than she she couldn't be worth anything. She sat in that orphanage until she was 14" This poem tells a story and you should go more smoothly and slower, as you would in a real story. Here's an example: "So, this little girl grew up not knowing what to think She thought if her own mother didn't want her, she couldn't be worth anything And so, she sat in an orphanage until she was 14" Besides these points, I absolutely LOVED your poem. It was very emotional, especially the end. The rest of your poem goes smoothly and it clearly portrays the struggle this girl feels about ever loving somebody, and wondering if she can or cannot be loved. Your poems truly inspire me, and I may probably post a few of my own poems sooner or later :) Looking forward to your next poem!

  6. anonymous
    • one year ago
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    speechless 0_0

  7. anonymous
    • one year ago
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    Aww thank you everyone for your sweet comments:) And thank you nawatobi. I see what you mean about it cutting. It sounds better to music xD maybe one day when i dont sound like a walrus on meth ill attach a recording :*

  8. anonymous
    • one year ago
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    Btw this is like a song that kinda puts my life into words lol

  9. anonymous
    • one year ago
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    verry good

  10. anonymous
    • one year ago
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    thanks

  11. dehelloo
    • one year ago
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    Roses are brown Violets are brown Who shat in my garden? Im feeling so down These flowers have wilted They really are fading They are not as stilted They need a good spading

  12. dehelloo
    • one year ago
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    Mines better

  13. anonymous
    • one year ago
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    ?

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