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anonymous

  • one year ago

Can you guys help me improve this paragraph? "I was about six or seven when this happened. He was tall, skinny, and he had one of those mustaches that were connected to a beard. Being only seven, this guy to me looked like the Grinch except he wasn’t green and he wasn’t very fury. This night became a memory that wouldn’t leave my head, because after this incident my sisters told me some creepy things this guy has done to other girls. Now, keep in mind that ever since I was very young I have always been shy and got along with adults better than kids my own age. I wouldn’t speak to people unless spoken to, and this made it very hard for me to make friends."

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  1. babyx3boo
    • one year ago
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    Kinda be more detailed about what happened.. you went from saying this happened to he was tall, who was tall? we don't know that unless this isn't the first paragraph. also this guy had done to other girls i believe sound better to me.. just my opinion i'm not a very good writer so i could just be wrong.

  2. anonymous
    • one year ago
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    Thank you! And this is the first paragraph (The introduction) I felt that this was missing a few thing's, but wasn't sure what it was! I'll try putting in more details! :)

  3. babyx3boo
    • one year ago
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    Yeah work on the first and second sentence you need to connect those. Also what really happened :o All i know is that the guy was creepy and tall and had done things to other girls.

  4. anonymous
    • one year ago
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    @babyx3boo It was at a family get-together at my aunt's house and he was her boyfriend! I always had weird vibes around him, so these vibes caused me to stay away from him. While at the party all kids were to stay in the garage and play, but like I said I was shy and I got along better with adults.. So I left the garage and tried to find my sister and I was in the living room about to head into the kitchen (The living room was empty so I have no idea where he came from!) and he grabbed me and yanked me back.. I tried smiling at him and he just stared at me coldly.. I tried pulling away, but his grip only got tighter! It ended up as us having a major stare down and it resulted in me being extremely frightened.. Then my brother walked in on us and yelled at the guy for putting his hands on me, and I SWEAR THE GUY HAD NO EXPRESSION HE JUST CONTINUED STARING AT ME! AND MY BROTHER HAD TO PUSH HIM AWAY FROM ME AND I WAS SO SCARED I CRIED

  5. babyx3boo
    • one year ago
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    I don't know if you were telling me the story of if u re wrote the paragraph either way sounds good to me! just in the parenthesis change have to had cause it was in the past. and also don't forget about your thesis statement.

  6. anonymous
    • one year ago
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    I was telling you the story lol! I'm not very good at explaining things unless I'm writing in as an essay or something.. Which this is actually a memoir for school. I might post it on here when I'm done with it :)

  7. babyx3boo
    • one year ago
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    Sounds good to me :)

  8. anonymous
    • one year ago
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    Thank you again for your help! :)

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