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Destinycholie

  • one year ago

Story time!!! please tell me what you think

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  1. Destinycholie
    • one year ago
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    all i have right now.

  2. Destinycholie
    • one year ago
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    @Crissy15 @camoboy04 @Testing123guest @texaschic101 @chainedecho @mathgeek27 @AbbySmith12 @redeemed1312 @demonchild99

  3. Testing123guest
    • one year ago
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    wow

  4. Destinycholie
    • one year ago
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    ?

  5. Testing123guest
    • one year ago
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    that is alot

  6. Destinycholie
    • one year ago
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    lol well its taken me forever to write it and i don't want to keep writing it if no one will like it so i am seeing what people think before going farther.

  7. Testing123guest
    • one year ago
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    u should finish it and then see if people like it

  8. Destinycholie
    • one year ago
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    but then its a lot of work for people to just hate it

  9. Testing123guest
    • one year ago
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    i am going too give u some advise it does not matter what other people think if u like it then it is the best story ever

  10. Testing123guest
    • one year ago
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    one sec i will be right back

  11. Testing123guest
    • one year ago
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    back

  12. Destinycholie
    • one year ago
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    thanks!! i know i just don't want to be the only one to read it

  13. Testing123guest
    • one year ago
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    i would love to read it but i have to do my school

  14. Destinycholie
    • one year ago
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    :) lol well thank you!!! <3

  15. Testing123guest
    • one year ago
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    welcome here is a medal

  16. chainedecho
    • one year ago
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    Nice ^^

  17. Crissy15
    • one year ago
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    cool!~ although I have been growling like a dog when I'm mad, am I a w2olf?! what did the doctors do 2 me?!

  18. Destinycholie
    • one year ago
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    lol @Crissy15 i don't think you are a wolf silly girl.

  19. anonymous
    • one year ago
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    Pretty interesting story! It's exciting and keeps you reading about what's going to happen next. Amber and Jake are so cute together, by the way!! :) Still, though, I have a few pointers in grammar for you. If you want to write in a way that would make it easier to read for your readers, use proper spacing, dialogue, and grammar! Sometimes this is the result of typing out your idea quickly, but before "publishing" it (posting for people to read) it's best to edit :) Your dialogue should be spaced out so readers don't get confused on who is talking. If you put a bunch of dialogue into one sentence, readers may be thinking, "Is Maddie or Amber talking? Who laughed? Who sighed?" Dialogue can be super tricky, I know that feeling! But you need to know that when a character speaks, there's a new sentence! For example... "Hi John," said Mary. "Hi Mary," replied John. Notice how when each character speaks, there's a new sentence. It makes this easier for readers to keep track of who's talking. Below, I edited a portion of your dialogue, where Amber and Maddie get ready for Jake's party to show the sentence-per-character rule. "Ok Amber, which dress are you going to wear?" Maddie asked. I laughed. "Maddie, when have I ever worn a dress to anything? I am a simple girl - I would rather wear jeans, a t-shirt, and boots. It's just, you know, me." Maddie sighed in reply. Lastly, I would like to point out here.... his girl toy showed up and she is all over him he doesn't seem to mind i find a random guy and start dancing to the music with him his name is Eric we walked into the kitchen where it was quietier. "You are a beautiful girl" he said i smiled and said "thank you" "so how do you know jake?" i ask "we have been friends since 1st grade. how about you?" " oh well me and jake have been dating the past 3 years....but...." i trailed off. "But what?" "he cheated on me with some girl so i broke it off." he just stood there shocked "anyway i am suprised i have not met you before" There's a lot of run on sentences there. Run-ons make reading very confusing! You need to avoid using run-ons, and you also should capitalize names and the word "I". Run-ons and no capitalization can deter readers away from your story, and it would be a shame, since it's a fabulous story!! Good grammar, good plot and good characters are the essence of a good story, remember that :) So anyways, I edited the part I pasted before down below... Before you read the edited bit, though, please be aware that I have added in some parts (they have a * in front of them). I added those bits because the sentences kind of collided together too quickly, so I tried to fix up things. Just make sure your sentences flow smoothly and don't just jump from subject to subject to fast. His girl toy showed up and she was all over him. *I felt myself burn with jealousy. *But Jake didn't seem to mind. So, I found a random guy and started dancing to the music with him, *just to see if Jake would even care. *But he didn't, so we walked into the kitchen where it was quieter. "You are a beautiful girl," the boy, whose name was Eric, said gently. I smiled and replied with a giggly "thank you". "So, um, how do you know Jake?" I ask Eric, trying to start a conversation. "We've been friends since 1st grade," Eric answered. "How about you?" "Oh! Um, me and jake have been dating the past 3 years....but...." I trailed off. "But what?" Eric asked softly. "He...he cheated on me with some girl so...I broke it off." *As I whispered the "broke", I felt a sharp, tearful sensation in my chest. *Eric, instead, just stood there, shocked. "I-I'm so sorry. I didn't mean..." *"No, no." I put my hands up to hush Eric, and I quickly scanned my mind for a subject-changing question. "So...yeah! Anyway, I'm surprised I haven't met you before," I babbled quickly, hoping to renew our conversation and shatter the tense silence the subject of Jake brought along. Anyways, I really love this story!!! :) I hope there's more to it!! Also, sorry for the long answer...just wanted to provide as much help as possible :) We're all here to learn, after all! :)

  20. Destinycholie
    • one year ago
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    @nawatobi Thank you so much!!! <3 this really means a lot and i will fix the errors. I knew there would be some because while writing this i am most of the time busy but its something i want to do, but again thank you so much!!!! :)

  21. Crissy15
    • one year ago
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    This isn't kindergarten, I was hoping another grammar geek spoke out too XD

  22. camoboy04
    • one year ago
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    Wow that's good

  23. Destinycholie
    • one year ago
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    I took the story down until i am finished... <3 all!

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