## anonymous one year ago Need critiques for my essay. The topic is to write about losing something.

1. anonymous

The Perception of a Nightmare Walking through a school with thousands of kids, was nothing more than a typical day. Brightly colored shirts and patterns define themselves across the courtyard. With a trickling tear and a shaky hand, colors turn into enemies and the world becomes a nightmare. Visual overstimulation, is the victor. It didn’t happen all at once; things became gradually worse over time. I didn’t understand what had happened to me. That I had lost my depth perception and that the feeling of being fatigued was taking complete control. I was diagnosed with Visual Processing Disorder in the sixth grade, but it wasn’t until tenth grade that it had taken complete control over my life. My vision was never great but I remember going to a 3-D movie as a child and thinking it was the coolest thing ever! However, at this point in my life there was no difference between 3-D and 2-D; they were both, paperback books to me. In sixth grade I was given a diagnosis and a hug, as they told me that there was no help, and when I didn’t receive help my disability festered, slowly becoming worse. I remember coming home, mascara dripping down my pale skin, and attempting to tell my parents how the world looked through my eyes. Words could not properly flow out of my mouth. It seemed impossible to get anyone to understand a different perspective of vision. It felt like inanimate objects were attacking me, but that sounded crazy. It’s hard for me to understand what it would be like to be color blind, so I can’t imagine anyone understanding my situation. Days became longer and depression was kicking in, as a panic attack arouse, by what seemed like every hour. It was hard to go to school and when I did, it was difficult to participate. All I could do was write sad poetry; it was the only way to express myself. Eventually my mom found something that could help, Visual Therapy, a program that was failed to have been mentioned by my testers. I had to drive there twice a week and it was an hour from my house. I had computer programs that I worked on every day, some of which seemed tortuous. I started at zero percentile, which is as low as you can get, and they promised to have me at twenty percentile, fifty being average. However, that didn’t happen. Instead I ended up in the 82nd percentile. I was above average! My life had completely changed. I went from living a nightmare, to living. I could breathe for once in my life. This wasn’t meant to be an essay about losing my depth perception; it was about losing the nightmare.

2. anonymous

I really like your essay and it really actually seems like a book i'd read. It is very informative but try making it have a resolution. :)

3. anonymous

@bittysgirl its not supposed to be a book or anything like that its supposed to be a 400 word essay though I went a little more then that. What do you mean by make it have a resolution

4. anonymous

@Koikkara

5. Koikkara

hmm... Without a resolution, your reader will be left hanging and might wonder what the point of the essay is. A well-crafted resolution can deliver the final punch to your essay is what @Billysgirl1 meant to say. @@NotingSociety

6. Koikkara

here, you have expressed well, one all sentences used looks like they lack contentiousness, which means you just got to rearrange accordingly.,.. rest is awesome.

7. Koikkara

two... here, $$>>$$ Brightly colored shirts and patterns define themselves across the courtyard. = brings positive attitude about essay, but suddenly, comes the negative effect $$>>$$ With a trickling tear and a shaky hand, colors turn into enemies and the world becomes a nightmare This is what you need to concentrate on... $$\color{blue}{\huge\tt{Nice~}}$$ $$\huge\mathcal{to~meet~}$$ $$\color{red}{\huge\tt{You~!}}$$