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*****Rough Draft***** Taking a deep breath I opened the door. The toxic smell of nail polish mixed with the static that was once music was overwhelming. She hasn't even moved since I last saw her, I thought to myself. The poor lighting in the room made it only possible so see a dark figure. The clothes on the floor smelt damp and dirty, making me want to hold my breath. "It's been a while," I tried to make my voice sound strong. "I told you to leave me alone," the hoarse voice rattled. It was no longer filled with anger, just disappointment and weariness. "My mom's sick," I choked out the words. I didn't even know why I was there, it was just a waste of time, but I had to try to fix what had been broken so long ago. "This doesn't concern me, leave me out of it." She turned towards me, her cheeks had sunk in since I last saw her. Her always bright green eyes had a veil over them, making them look almost grey. She looked taller, it looked like she had grown almost two inches since I had last seen her. "What happened to us?" I managed to choke out the words. "Don't play stupid Jason, you know exactly what happened. Tell your mother that she is in my thoughts and leave." With that she turned her back on me and sat back down. I awkwardly looked around the room while slowly making my way towards the door. Driving home I couldn't help but think of the last time I saw her, almost a year ago. It could have easily been the worst day of my life. She was sitting in the same blue chair, her eyes were closed and in her hands she held a small book. Her eyes seemed to sadden when she realized I was there. "We need to talk."
The toxic smell of nail polish mixed with the static that was once music was overwhelming. I think this sentence needs to be wrote again, there is more than one idea. Driving home I couldn't help but think of the last time I saw her, almost a year ago. It could have easily been the worst day of my life. She was sitting in the same blue chair, her eyes were closed and in her hands she held a small book. Her eyes seemed to sadden when she realized I was there. "We need to talk." This needs to be on another line, maybe. All in all this is a good story. Keep up the good work. :)
i agree with Capnkookcx