I already wrote it its about a time when my arm got broke, teacher revised it and sent feed back
I need to fix it because i got a d and I have to fix it and send it back tomorrow
Do u know how to do this?
Your teacher gave you lots of good feedback
yes can u help me fix it?
“Come here give me your hand,” he said, to my little brother. We got home, and ate Doritos and salsa. My mom carried me into her room, put cartoons on and then I fell asleep. In the end you can talk more about how your siblings feel about how cautious are and how you care for them.
to begin with I should put --On a cold, breezy, fall day,on the fourth of November in 2004,we were moving into our new,big huge house in Hemet,Ca.
Is that a complete sentence?
is commas and punctuation correct?
On a cold, breezy, fall day,on the fourth of November in 2004,we were moving into our new house in Hemet,CA. He grabbed my hand and flung me over his shoulder. I heard a snap! Immediately felt pain in my elbow. in this part talk more about the emotions you felt. Be more specific than "pain".
its only hard because i was only five
This will take a while but go step by step. For each comment the teacher has made address the situation.
im already trying but
In the fall of 2004 the day we moved to Hemet, California. this is not a complete sentence
you said "the day we moved to Hemet "
@tacotime has a good response watch for my edit On a cold, breezy, fall day, the fourth of November in 2004, we moved into our new house in Hemet, CA.
I wrote so far---- On a cold,breezy,fall day, on November 4,2004,we were moving into our new home in Hemet,Ca. My mom told my older brother, Phillip,to keep my liitle brother, Wesley, and me busy, while my mom and dad were unpacking the kitchen. My mom and dad were so excited, with moving into our new home,they could not wait to unpack. My mom handed,Phillip a big, clear tub of little green army men. My little brother and I rushed into, the huge living room.
My mom told my older brother, Phillip, to keep my little brother, Wesley, and me busy while she and my dad unpacked.
We were excited too! Instead, of Phillip doing as he was told, he flung my little brother,Wesley over his shoulder, as I was jumping around. My little brother was laughing with excitement, I began jumping up and down saying me next, my turn! Phillip,then grabbed me, as I was on the top of his shoulder,I felt pain in my arm. I screamed,stop! Phillip continued, I felt my arm snap!
but the teacher commented on she
ok nvm she underlined it because i wrote unpacked
so is that good so far?
My mom ran into the room, and yelled “WHAT HAPPENED” I you do not type caps and you need a question mark
so a the beginning is it we were moving or we moved
k im going to continue writing and then,post again and tag you can u check the commas punctuation etc for me when im finished?
remember to include direct words said in quotation marks. do not use caps for yelling in a regular document double space the document and remove space before and after paragraphs.
you should also describe more of what is going on relate to how you are feeling example you were not just in pain you felt like.......
. On our way home my mom bought me, salsa and Doritos. read this again and you will be laughing
mom was hysterical and older brother was crying knew he did wrong but, wouldn't tell mom what happened stuff like thayt?
how much did you cost?
not me or for me
since it wasn't just for you on the way home we stopped and bought .....
i will be back in 5
thanks for ur help
I heard a snap and I was immediately relieved, I heard a snap and I felt like all the ligaments had reconnected and everything was back in place. I had a tingling sensation and I was over come with emotion I felt like the ordeal was over. I had s a tremendous sense of relief. I did not have to worry about if I would be able to use my arm. the teacher said put more feeling don't just tell the story and watch your punctuation
I had s a trem typo
wow ur making it easier
for the ending you need to put much more. This has affected you and has a lasting effect. As an older sister put some of how you feel not horse-playing with your younger siblings because you can visualize one of them getting hurt and having to go to the hospital; scared something worse than a broken arm etc.. feel like not a fun older sister having to explain why you don't horse-play etc review and make sure you follow-up with each entry the teacher made. I did most but not all. You get the idea. You know how to do this now. All the best.
thank u sooo much when im finished can i post it and have u check?
the idea is "on the day we moved "
you are welcome
topic the day we arrived moving day first day no more horse-play ?
suggestion 1) format for paragraph, spacing etc 2) grammar and punctuation 3) include the feeling 4) add more to the effects 5) ok to add lesson to share