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Is there someone here that could help me now?
Writing
schrodinger
  • schrodinger
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YoungStudier
  • YoungStudier
Hi, what do you need help with? :)
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I have a paragraph that I need to purify
YoungStudier
  • YoungStudier
Well, post it here and I can see if I can help you ^_^

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Blank 
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here it is. It's a pic. I don't want google to capture it. My teacher might find it later and gonna think I plagiarized it.... who knows... I don't want to risk it....
1 Attachment
YoungStudier
  • YoungStudier
Ok, I may pop out a couple times cuz my mom's here, but I'll be back so don't worry
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I write horrible... :| I know...
YoungStudier
  • YoungStudier
Is there a prompt?
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It's gonna be a narrative about my life
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When I was diagnosed with diabetes
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boring stuff, but I want to make it interesting
YoungStudier
  • YoungStudier
Ok, first off, you don't want to use "you" in an essay. :D
YoungStudier
  • YoungStudier
Replace it with "one" or "a person"
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so third person?
YoungStudier
  • YoungStudier
So: ...pretty much anything sweet one can think of. or: ...pretty much anything sweet a person can think of.
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yeah...I like it...
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my audience is another classmate btw
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You could just mention which sentence doesn't sound too great
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I just need a second perspective
YoungStudier
  • YoungStudier
Are we going for a casual or professional sounding essay?
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casual
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nothing professional
YoungStudier
  • YoungStudier
Righto
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it's not a science paper
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Writing something boring and professional is easier I think. lol
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I think the last sentence sounds more like a poem. Is it okay?
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I wanted to do something different
YoungStudier
  • YoungStudier
I think the last sentence is ok, but the first sentence, you use the word "sweet" twice. Here's a tip, when writing, try not to use the same word too much, try finding synonyms. So replace "...pretty much anything sweet" with "...pretty much anything sugary" or "...pretty much anything sugar filled"
YoungStudier
  • YoungStudier
Using the same word too many times makes the essay seem boring and repetitive.
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  • Blank 
Good suggestion, I didn't even notice that. Thanks
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  • Blank 
Overall, could I know what your first impression was? lame? boring? interesting? Nay or yay?
YoungStudier
  • YoungStudier
I thought it was interesting.
YoungStudier
  • YoungStudier
It just needs a little editing is all. :)
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I still have to write a second intro anyways. My teacher wants me to take a different approach.
YoungStudier
  • YoungStudier
Ah ok. I'm gonna see what we can edit. :)
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I'll have to take two intros to class today...
YoungStudier
  • YoungStudier
Be right back, my mom wants me to fold some clothes quick, but I'll be back! ^u^
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:)
YoungStudier
  • YoungStudier
I'm back!
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:D
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Is there anything else I should edit? before I start working on my second "different" version?
YoungStudier
  • YoungStudier
Well, I was thinking: "...all my careless childhood days have suddenly vanished" and replace the word "have" with the word "just"
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Ok, make it more present time...
YoungStudier
  • YoungStudier
or the word "had" I'm not sure when this took place...
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It's a childhood memory...
YoungStudier
  • YoungStudier
I was suggesting "just" because it makes it seem more dramatic. But maybe that's just my novelist side inputting stuff. :P
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:) I see
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I like more dramatic
YoungStudier
  • YoungStudier
XDDD lol, ok. :D
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I really needed this. Thank you.
YoungStudier
  • YoungStudier
No problem! :)
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I'm gonna go eat breakfast now. :)
YoungStudier
  • YoungStudier
:D Okay. :) Do you need anymore help or no?
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I might come back later...I don't know for sure though
YoungStudier
  • YoungStudier
Okay, tag me if you need help. :)
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Okay, thanks again
YoungStudier
  • YoungStudier
You're welcome! ^u^

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