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Hi, what do you need help with? :)
I have a paragraph that I need to purify
Well, post it here and I can see if I can help you ^_^
Ok, I may pop out a couple times cuz my mom's here, but I'll be back so don't worry
I write horrible... :| I know...
Is there a prompt?
It's gonna be a narrative about my life
When I was diagnosed with diabetes
boring stuff, but I want to make it interesting
Ok, first off, you don't want to use "you" in an essay. :D
Replace it with "one" or "a person"
so third person?
So: ...pretty much anything sweet one can think of. or: ...pretty much anything sweet a person can think of.
yeah...I like it...
my audience is another classmate btw
You could just mention which sentence doesn't sound too great
I just need a second perspective
Are we going for a casual or professional sounding essay?
it's not a science paper
Writing something boring and professional is easier I think. lol
I think the last sentence sounds more like a poem. Is it okay?
I wanted to do something different
I think the last sentence is ok, but the first sentence, you use the word "sweet" twice. Here's a tip, when writing, try not to use the same word too much, try finding synonyms. So replace "...pretty much anything sweet" with "...pretty much anything sugary" or "...pretty much anything sugar filled"
Using the same word too many times makes the essay seem boring and repetitive.
Good suggestion, I didn't even notice that. Thanks
Overall, could I know what your first impression was? lame? boring? interesting? Nay or yay?
I thought it was interesting.
It just needs a little editing is all. :)
I still have to write a second intro anyways. My teacher wants me to take a different approach.
Ah ok. I'm gonna see what we can edit. :)
I'll have to take two intros to class today...
Be right back, my mom wants me to fold some clothes quick, but I'll be back! ^u^
Is there anything else I should edit? before I start working on my second "different" version?
Well, I was thinking: "...all my careless childhood days have suddenly vanished" and replace the word "have" with the word "just"
Ok, make it more present time...
or the word "had" I'm not sure when this took place...
It's a childhood memory...
I was suggesting "just" because it makes it seem more dramatic. But maybe that's just my novelist side inputting stuff. :P
:) I see
I like more dramatic
XDDD lol, ok. :D
I really needed this. Thank you.
No problem! :)
I'm gonna go eat breakfast now. :)
:D Okay. :) Do you need anymore help or no?
I might come back later...I don't know for sure though
Okay, tag me if you need help. :)
Okay, thanks again
You're welcome! ^u^