dan815
  • dan815
Hi, just something I started writing, I was thinking of writing some short story. . . . . . “I am in a foreign land,” he whispered under his breath. My eyes opened, a glimmer of crimson sunlight had slipped through the blinds, piercing my eyes. My arms felt slightly heavy under the fluffy comforter, I felt a warm embrace across my chest. An arm that nuzzled me close, and a calming breath that hit the back of my neck. I mustered the strength with both hands to lift this arm up, and rolled across the soft bed. I got up to see my furry blue slippers with its two bouncy plastic eyeballs smiling back at me. I slipped into them while I jumped off the bed, I turned around, to see a tall slender woman rustling about. “Mommy, wake up!” I yelled uncontrollably. I looked at both of my hands, still in a daze, I examined the front and the back. They were small, no they were tiny, and I knew now, that I had slipped back into time once again. A strange rush surged through my bones, hitting the back of my eyes. I widened my eyes, and rejoiced at my youth of innocence. Some days I wake up a man, some days a boy, and sometimes, never at all. When I am a man, I feel the wisdom of my age, but today I feel the vibrance of my youth. Some would call it a curse, some would call it a blessing. It's a strange world and my world a stranger. I do not know when it began or why it began. I am the past, I am the future. My life is but a dream. I know some of what's to come, some of what's been done. What I don't know is, how it begins and how it ends. My life is not mine to give, nor mine to rule. What I rule, remains to be told, and yet, never unheard. Have you ever wondered, what you would do today, if you knew what was going to happen tomorrow. I have not. Here I am, 7 years old, leading my ant army into my rock castle. And there they are, two small and the furriest of kittens, tucked ever so gently between a pile of rocks underneath our deck. I quickly rushed up to them, and stroked one on its belly, while uncovering the rocks. One of them is still asleep, while the other swipes its claws at me. I reached out to hold them both in my hands. One kitten is white, and the other is black, its long whiskers tickle my arm. One purrs for its mom, and the other licks my hand, to taste the residue of the milk I poured it. This black gray striped kitten is twice the size of my palm. I feel it's stomach moving up and down through its new grazing fur. It's claws have not yet fully grown and it soft minuscule pink paws leave a funny feeling on my forearm as they try to scratch me. The other kitty is docile, and seems to just want to sleep in my hand. I lifted the black kitty up into the sunlight over my head and I gazed into its gleaming jade eyes as it looked back into my sun drenched brown eyes. "This one's mine", I said to myself. And then it happened, I was gone, or should I say I am back. I opened my eyes, and here I am, a man once more. more to come later xD
Writing
schrodinger
  • schrodinger
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Babynini
  • Babynini
Holy crap. That's beautiful. Well done!! (And i'm super nit picky about writing and usually give tough critique.) You, are a sir.
Babynini
  • Babynini
"My eyes opened, a glimmer of crimson sunlight had slipped through the blinds (COMMA) piercing my eyes" < here, add a comma after "blinds" because it sounds like your eyes are getting stabbed by the blinds rather than the sunlight coming through the blinds xP
dan815
  • dan815
Okay I changed some stuff, thanks!

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Babynini
  • Babynini
For sure :)
ChantySquirrel1129**
  • ChantySquirrel1129**
Seeeeee???????
ChantySquirrel1129**
  • ChantySquirrel1129**
SMH
ChantySquirrel1129**
  • ChantySquirrel1129**
ok hold on let me read...
ChantySquirrel1129**
  • ChantySquirrel1129**
shoosh peeps
CandyCove
  • CandyCove
Love it! 👍
ChantySquirrel1129**
  • ChantySquirrel1129**
^^^^^^^
ChantySquirrel1129**
  • ChantySquirrel1129**
lol ok I need to read it now lol....
ChantySquirrel1129**
  • ChantySquirrel1129**
Lol ok I'll start now c:
ChantySquirrel1129**
  • ChantySquirrel1129**
Lol no I read it already xD
anonymous
  • anonymous
you should be an author :) amazing
Nnesha
  • Nnesha
` i am 7 years old` REPORTED XD
Nnesha
  • Nnesha
nice good at math ,singing :P ,physics and writing too :o wow awesome! :D
Anaise
  • Anaise
boring
mom.
  • mom.
can u read it out for me (;
dan815
  • dan815
/_-
mom.
  • mom.
a voice message (:
Anaise
  • Anaise
PERVERT
mom.
  • mom.
a video will also wrk (;
dan815
  • dan815
-_\
Anaise
  • Anaise
PERVERT
mom.
  • mom.
dan is not a pervert!
EclipsedStar
  • EclipsedStar
*waits for more*
EclipsedStar
  • EclipsedStar
Oh btw, I noticed that there are a few times that the text goes to past tense (while the majority of it is present tense).
Anaise
  • Anaise
I was talking about you
dan815
  • dan815
oh yeah is it in the last paragraph?
EclipsedStar
  • EclipsedStar
Yeah x)
mom.
  • mom.
omg eclipsed star is a perv! :O
Anaise
  • Anaise
yeah.....sure she is -.-
mom.
  • mom.
^ :O :'( i didn't expected this
EclipsedStar
  • EclipsedStar
I don't know what your basis is for such a claim...and please stop putting irrelevant comments on this post :)
Anaise
  • Anaise
yeah mom
dan815
  • dan815
okay im gonna fix the back and forth past and present in paragraph one too xD later, theres some kids downstairs i have to bully
dan815
  • dan815
byee
mom.
  • mom.
tell them to call me - xxxxxxxxxx (; u knw my no
anonymous
  • anonymous
Love the story that you wrote it's very good
anonymous
  • anonymous
*clears throat* You need to clear up a few sentences. For instance "Here I am, I am 7 years old." This needs to be changed to "Here I am, 7 years old." and it needs to be combined with the next following sentence. Cutting out the first few words to result in the finalized combination. Your result would be "Here I am, 7 years old, leading my ant army into my rocky castle." Also, the kittens the sentences could be edited to say "One was still asleep when I stroked the other on its belly. When it awoke, it swiped it's claws at me, clearly showing animosity towards being picked up with its fellow feline companion." "The black kitten with the grey stripes is about twice the size of my palm" There are no commas needed here. Lastly, instead of saying "started into its gleaming jade eyes" you could say "And I gaze into its gleaming jade eyes" That's all...
dan815
  • dan815
okay thanks :)
anonymous
  • anonymous
Lovely imagery and great plot line 👍
Hayhayz
  • Hayhayz
that sucked
Babynini
  • Babynini
^ Hey :) we want to make this a safe place for aspiring writers (or mathematicians, biologists, etc.. all the other fields of study here). Of course, criticisms are always helpful as they help one improve their work! If you want to offer a critique, please do so in a manner that is polite and helpful to the other person. Do you have any suggestions for edits perhaps? Your statement has no basis and therefore no place here.
dan815
  • dan815
ty babynini!! she's such a bully =[
Hayhayz
  • Hayhayz
i was joking.
Hayhayz
  • Hayhayz
im allowed to be mean to him
turbostudier
  • turbostudier
yah that was amazing! please post the sequel!!!
wintersuntime
  • wintersuntime
Wow, amazing! :)
ChantySquirrel1129**
  • ChantySquirrel1129**
LOL
mom.
  • mom.
:)
CandyCove
  • CandyCove
'-'
Hayhayz
  • Hayhayz
,-,
Anaise
  • Anaise
I get two medals for saying it's boring xD

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