Holy crap. That's beautiful. Well done!! (And i'm super nit picky about writing and usually give tough critique.) You, are a sir.
"My eyes opened, a glimmer of crimson sunlight had slipped through the blinds (COMMA) piercing my eyes" < here, add a comma after "blinds" because it sounds like your eyes are getting stabbed by the blinds rather than the sunlight coming through the blinds xP
Okay I changed some stuff, thanks!
For sure :)
ok hold on let me read...
Love it! 👍
lol ok I need to read it now lol....
Lol ok I'll start now c:
Lol no I read it already xD
you should be an author :) amazing
` i am 7 years old` REPORTED XD
nice good at math ,singing :P ,physics and writing too :o wow awesome! :D
can u read it out for me (;
a voice message (:
a video will also wrk (;
dan is not a pervert!
*waits for more*
Oh btw, I noticed that there are a few times that the text goes to past tense (while the majority of it is present tense).
I was talking about you
oh yeah is it in the last paragraph?
omg eclipsed star is a perv! :O
yeah.....sure she is -.-
^ :O :'( i didn't expected this
I don't know what your basis is for such a claim...and please stop putting irrelevant comments on this post :)
okay im gonna fix the back and forth past and present in paragraph one too xD later, theres some kids downstairs i have to bully
tell them to call me - xxxxxxxxxx (; u knw my no
Love the story that you wrote it's very good
*clears throat* You need to clear up a few sentences. For instance "Here I am, I am 7 years old." This needs to be changed to "Here I am, 7 years old." and it needs to be combined with the next following sentence. Cutting out the first few words to result in the finalized combination. Your result would be "Here I am, 7 years old, leading my ant army into my rocky castle." Also, the kittens the sentences could be edited to say "One was still asleep when I stroked the other on its belly. When it awoke, it swiped it's claws at me, clearly showing animosity towards being picked up with its fellow feline companion." "The black kitten with the grey stripes is about twice the size of my palm" There are no commas needed here. Lastly, instead of saying "started into its gleaming jade eyes" you could say "And I gaze into its gleaming jade eyes" That's all...
okay thanks :)
Lovely imagery and great plot line 👍
^ Hey :) we want to make this a safe place for aspiring writers (or mathematicians, biologists, etc.. all the other fields of study here). Of course, criticisms are always helpful as they help one improve their work! If you want to offer a critique, please do so in a manner that is polite and helpful to the other person. Do you have any suggestions for edits perhaps? Your statement has no basis and therefore no place here.
ty babynini!! she's such a bully =[
i was joking.
im allowed to be mean to him
yah that was amazing! please post the sequel!!!
Wow, amazing! :)
I get two medals for saying it's boring xD