• anonymous
tell me if u like this
  • Stacey Warren - Expert
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  • schrodinger
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  • anonymous
One day, someone walks in my kitchen. I try to pull out my guns, but it is too late. They have spotted me. I quickly ran away to my attic. I pulled open a slide door leading to a fire-escape route. When i got there, my dog was waiting patiently in the yard behind a tree. i snatched him and carried us to safety. I spied on the mysterious person. I got really scared. I started to run next door. I went and knocked on my neighbor's door. I looked back at my kitchen. Was it.........
  • Atsie
Okay, so I understand the theme of what you're trying to write about here but it's lacking a couple of things. That is suspense, flow, and setting. If you're aiming for suspense, there is a better way to do it. You have to build your story to the point of your reader asking "OMG, what's gonna happen next!???" When I say setting, I always look at the elements of "where, when, why, and how" To give one example of this, let's take a look at your first sentence. "One day, someone walks in my kitchen." What if we re-worded it, like... "It was a cold rainy night, and I remember it was barely getting dark when suddenly I heard a noise. I was walking to the kitchen and I froze in my tracks in half of a fear that my heart would jump from my chest. The floorboards were creeping by the second and the kitchen screen door seemed to be opening by inches" Thats simply for the first few words of the first sentence. You notice how I added more description and more setting. I showed where you were, I showed what kind of day/night it was, I showed action, and I showed a description of both your surroundings and gave value of the scariness and eeriness of the situation itself. Also one other thing I want to point out is that you kind of contradicted yourself in these first couple of sentences. You said that someone walked into your form your wording as if this person had already saw you...then you say that you try to pull out your guns but its to late they already spotted you. That part, give or take, is a lil tricky on the comprehension of the reader. I'll say one more thing, and I swear I'll end this lecture :) Your flow. What do I mean by that? What I mean is the way it is written is pretty choppy. This is half your grammar and half the way you're attempting to carry out this form of suspense. After you say something, you cannot put periods after it all the time. You have to learn how to use words like "then, when, and, was," and so forth. Also learning to incorporate the use of commas and other punctuation makes it easier. I'm not trying to cut you down in the least. If anything, I am attempting to build you up. There are so many great ways to write and make a story fantastic and I'm simply giving suggestions so that way you can improve yourself. If you work hard enough at it, anything, and I mean ANYTHING is possible. Best of luck, and have a great day! :)
  • anonymous
I agree with Atsie. Put more detail, passion, and suspense into it. Make readers feel your emotions, and make them feel like they are there with you. Be more ambitious with your words, sensory words, and details.

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